Le Journal d'une Fille

saying goodbye.

2007-04-24T14:40:00.000-07:00

after a long time writing in this blog, i have to say goodbye. this might be my last time to write here. i'm starting anew in my life right now and i want to start right. this may be the first step. so i'm letting go. i've worked so hard on this blog but i must move on. but of course, i'll still be writing.

i'm moving to a new home. http://anirtakanna.blogspot.com visit me!

logging off..

closed chapter.

holding back the tears.

2007-04-24T03:45:00.000-07:00

does history have to keep repeating itself?

or am i stupid to actually not learn from the mistakes in the past?

my heavy heart is about to break. my head is in a whirl, full of questions and doubts. and i'm holding back all the tears to not make a complete fool of myself in class.

i'm trying to be strong to be able to put on a smile for friends to see. but i feel so weak. i just can't be me. i'm ok. or atleast i'm going to be.

i'm about to let go. i wanna let go. should i wait for it to happen or just walk away now? i just want this to be over with. now.

all good.

2007-04-20T15:17:00.000-07:00

today was a good. it was just one of those rare days that i get to spend time with my friends and really get to know each other more. yes, two of my friends decided to spend their afternoon at my house. they got to know a little more of the life and friends i left behind. we spent some time walking along river thames with the wind blowing cold. brrr...

being with them made me think about a few things. deep inside, i know i want to have friendships here that are like those that i left behind. but i realized that i have that kind of friendships as well here. maybe that as deep or as long. somehow it feels good. to just be with them. and talk about the future and where we all would be. where in the world we would be after this number of years. but i felt sad as well. that's the problem with international friendships. there's the uncertainty that you actually get to experience life together, physically. you experience one of the true tests of friendships. constant communication despite the distance. and when the time comes you meet face to face again, you actually understand why you're been friends all the way. if you find friendships that are once in this lifetime, that are real, hang on to that friendship. it'll all be worth it.

and guys, as long as we believe we're friends, we'll always be.

love without limits part2

2007-04-17T04:42:00.000-07:00

got this from the same blog. so inspring..

"there's a difference between what is right and what is true. you use your head when you think; you use your heart when you feel. you use your head when you apply all the important things in life that you learned in kindergarten; you use your heart when you remember how it felt like to get your first kiss in kindergarten. you use your head when you decide to give your heart away; you use your heart when you tell yourself you're getting more and more crazy. you use your head when you do what hurts; you use your heart to feel the pain. you use your head when you look at the future; you use your heart when you're in the moment. you use your head when you tell yourself to fight back the tears; you use your heart to lock yourself in your room to cry. but the head is powerful, and the heart is resilient. "

love without limits

2007-04-16T04:18:00.000-07:00

i read this on someone's blog which really got me because it is so true.

'i realized that if you really love someone, you’ll screw all the “if you love him, let him go” sayings that come your way and fight for what you have, even if you feel like you’re getting tired. and when you feel like you do, you rest for a little bit, but after a while, you’ll still feel the urge to get going, fight for it some more, until you cannot fight anymore. i thought i reached that point, you know, of being so weary of the wear and tear love makes you endure, but deep inside, despite all the profanity you can think of yelling at him, at the end of the day, you still love the bastard no matter what. so you stand up again, wounds, splinters, scars and all, and fight for something so precious, like a knight protecting his kingdom, or a soldier protecting his country, or a woman protecting his heart despite all odds.

.....

was it the letter? no, coz he read it with me afterwards. was it me waking up at four in the morning? maybe. was it the sausage mcmuffin with egg? probably. it was a matter of doing all of the above and keeping your eyes on the prize, no matter how unachievable it may seem to you at any point in time. that even though you keep on saying that you give up, you know deep in your heart that you want to keep going, that you want it to work. that absence really does make the heart grow fonder. that no matter how hard it is to balance love and work, you will find time to do both, not because you have to, but because you want to.'

though you may not understand what the whole entry was about, it was something i believe to be so true and was moved. you may go and say to yourself, 'wow, that is so true.' when you have reached the point that you have given your all, that you may have reached your limit in loving someone, when you have put so much effort, time, love, understanding and your whole self in the situation, in the relationship, it's so hard to just let it go without a fight, without one more chance, without thinking it twice.

it's in loving someone that you learn so much about everything and you may have a different perspective of looking at things, at looking at life. and you would realize more about yourself especially handling all the pain or hurt that comes your way making you stronger. yes, love makes you stronger. it's suppose to. even if you are all broken inside, you're suppose to stand up and move on. you weep, you cry, you question, you blame, you grief. then one day, you let go and move on. this time, you try, you learn, you understand, you continue on, you start again.

weekend bonding

2007-04-15T12:04:00.000-07:00

this is the last day of my two-week easter break. and tomorrow, i'm back to school. damn. i wasn't able to really rest because of work. and some school work. but atleast i got to have some fun this weekend before going back to late nights coz of school.

+ day one+

we were uber early at the venue. they were just setting up the banners and chairs and balloons and everything. but the weather was good. warm, sunny weather but still cold. haha. but i was excited. don't know why.

opening ceremonies: hmm.. not much to say. they started late. liverpool team was uber late so they weren't able to participate in the opening ceremonies. uhm, yeah, that's about it.

intermission numbers: first up was the arnis exhibition. cool. next, line dancing. wahahaha. they call that entertainment? no offense, but it was just funny. next..

game 1 - portsmouth vs birmingham: hmm.. i missed watching the game live. nothing exciting about the game. plus, it was lunchtime. so we left the place for a while to eat.

game 2 - central london vs southampton: it was still lunchtime. so wasn't there to watch the game. i think it was central london who won. heard it was a good game.

game 3 - east london vs epsom: there's only word to describe this game. sambo! okay fine, we'll make it two. sambo-reyes. it was the best game of the day. the place was full-packed. gulong! hahaha. it was only the most intense game. there was just the thought that fights could begin from all the teasing. tensions were in the air. i wanted east london to win. i wanted sambo to win. haha. because reyes was a little, hmm.. full of himself that's why i didn't want them to win. haha. sadly east london didn't win. but it was definitely a good game. woohoo! sambo! yeah!

game 4 - liverpool vs worthing: where did all the people go? seriously, it was kinda empty after the last game. this time, i wanted liverpool to win because they traveled so far. but sad to say, they didn't.

players' night: but where are the players exactly? only the liverpool team was there because they were staying for the night in london. there was suppose to be a live band but they were late. food was okay but it was not proper dinner. just party food. then, speeches, photo-ops, awarding, some dancing. then live band. then home. i was sort of drunk from drinking alot with my mum. haha. bonding session. cheers!

+ day two +

we went to mass at 11. and it was the latin mass. it was the mass where most prayers and songs were sung in latin. had no idea what they were singing. and the mass was actually longer than the ordinary mass i go through. they were singing 'maria maria maria' for like, five minutes. but it was okay. after the mass, we headed straight to the game.

semi final game 1-2: uhm, well, wasn't able to see much of it as we were late. and it was lunchtime. so eat, eat, eat. hahaha.

shoot-outs: i-remit, u-remit, we-remit. hahaha.

3rd place game - portsmouth vs worthing: go worthing. too bad they didn't win. there was only five of them and since this was basketball, they were playing the whole time. they were so tired at the end of the game that my mum decided to give free lunch. hahaha.

final game - epsom vs central london: one word. lakubtan! yeah! go.. this time i wanted central london to win because reyes was in epsom. he may be a good player but attitude. uhm, too much. sadly, epsom did win but lakubtan won mvp. yey! it was a close fight really and such a nice game. so exciting.

wierd horoscopes for the day

2007-04-14T14:36:00.000-07:00

funfilled? sexy as hell? silliness? naughtiness? what? hmmm.. okay let me see, what kind of fun is this talking about? can someone tell me? i just don't know what to say. obviously, most of the things that i've written here are questions because i just don't know what to do. hahahahaaa. that was a nervous laugh right there...

good news? that was yesterday's horoscope. and to be honest, yesterday wasn't really a good day at all. and i don't think i really received any good news. i was thinking 'did i receive any good news yesterday?'. hmmm... i don't think so. my only consolation is that i didn't receive any bad news either. please, i don't want to receive any bad news soon. oh please...

your alter-ego is showing

2007-04-13T05:24:00.000-07:00

gahd, what is happening to me today? maybe something to do with friday the thirteenth. i don't really believe in that superstition that friday the thirteenth is such a bad day. that it is suppose to be a day of bad luck. paraskavedekatriaphobia. word for this day. fear of friday the thirteenth. but i'm not scared of friday the thirteenth. coz i'm not really superstitious. i just think that this day isn't going well at all. not one bit. well maybe just one or two things.

seriously, talking to him this morning was just bad. nothing was right. we don't get to talk often and that call was just not meant to be. i don't want to say it but really, it was kinda a waste of time. i felt so stupid talking and crying and being dramatic that eventhough i was on the phone, i was alone. wierd enough, it was like i was being possessed by someone that i didn't understand and i couldn't control. yes, it was like i wasn't going mad. it was like i wasn't myself. if it wasn't late in the night and if it wasn't over the phone, i would be shouting and screaming and going crazy causing a scene. i felt so paranoid and sad and depressed and disappointed. i was on the verge of breaking down. well actually, i already did break down. maybe i need anti-depressants. or maybe, like jah, i really am on the first degree of bipolar disorder. no, no. i shouldn't be this negative. this is just one of those days where homesickness takes effect. so this would not last for long. i'm still adjusting. and i hope to get used to this soon. fingers crossed. hope i'll be better tomorrow. no, i know i'll be better tomorrow.

so just chill. breath, anakat, breath.

uhm, hugs anyone? please..

november 16

2007-04-11T05:40:00.000-07:00

1) Go to Wikipedia
2) In the search box, type your birth month and day but not the year.
3) List three events that happened on your birthday.
4) List two important birthdays and one death.
5) One holiday or observance (if any).

events!
1914 - The Federal Reserve Bank of the United States officially opens.
1933 - The United States and the Soviet Union establish formal diplomatic relations.
2001 - The first Harry Potter movie, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone in the United States), is released in theatres in the United Kingdom, United States, Canada and Mexico.

birthdays!
42 BC - Tiberius, Roman emperor (d. 37)
1930 - Chinua Achebe, Nigerian author

death!
1272 - King Henry III of England (b. 1207)

holiday!
International Day for Tolerance

tarot card

2007-04-09T10:15:00.000-07:00

You are Judgement

Happiness, Content, Joy.

Judgment is related to the Hebrew letter Shin, which is fiery and spiritual. A break from the past, going forward.

With Fire as its ruling element, Judgement is about rebirth or ressurection. The idea of Judgement day is that the dead rise, their sins are forgiven, and they move onto heaven. The Judgement card is similar, it asks the resurrection to summon the past, forgive it, and let it go. There are wounds from the past that we never let heal, sins we've committed that we refuse to forgive, bad habits we haven't the courage to lose. Judgement advises us to finally face these, recognize that the past is past, and put them to rest, absolutely and irrevocably. This is also a card of healing, quite literally from an accident or illness, as well as a card signaling great transformation, renewal, change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

love does hurt.

2007-03-29T15:37:00.000-07:00

love does hurt. your heart doesn't have to be broken just for love to hurt. your heart can also feel weird stuff like being nervous or worried or paranoid. then you feel sad and lonely. and of course, you hurt. there would also be times you can't keep it all inside and just have to cry to let it all out. you see, i have always had a funny picture of love in my head. and somehow, i thought that loving someone and try to give your all is enough. they say that being loved by the one you love is everything and such a wonderful feeling. and it truly is. it means a lot. but somehow, life has a funny way of letting me know how love feels. i envy people who are relationships and are just so happy to be in love with not much problems to deal with. i'm not saying i'm not happy to be in love. i am. very much. but it seems that we just don't run out of trials and problems we have to deal with. we have both worked so hard to try to make this last. and it is really hard. it's tiring and there are times you just want to give up but of course, you won't. i really hope that all our hard work wouldn't go to waste. i so want this to work and last a lifetime. no matter how long i will have to have to wait and work on this. after all, nobody said love was easy, they only say it was worth it.

hmmm...

2007-03-29T13:18:00.000-07:00

love hurts. hmmm.... do you think it is trying to tell me something??

don't be such a snob

2007-03-28T03:50:00.000-07:00

i just hate when people talk about me and don't even really know me. it's so annoying. i don't really know as well, that's why i don't really want it to be a big thing. but it's just so damn annoying. argh...to think i wouldn't be able to hear it or understand it. for crying out loud, they were staring at me and speaking in tagalog. of course, i would understand it. maybe they were just saying i was filipina. but if they were something otherwise, screw them. buwahaha. maybe it was about my friend i was with. but i doubt it.

one thing i hate about people is when they think they are all that and that they are superior to look down on people. they have no idea what they are doing and the effect it has on people. along with that, i also hate the way they actually stare at you as if something is wrong with you.

and honestly, times like this, i wish i wasn't here in the first place. i would just hate it.

my horoscopes for today.

2007-03-26T14:08:00.000-07:00

one habit we have is to look at our horoscopes. they always give away free newspapers at the tube stations. too bad i don't take the tube going the school. so i'd have this everyday. and of course, sudoku fun. hahaha.

hmmm.. this just has got me thinking.

don't give up. hold on. the only thing that comes to mine is our relationship. this long distance relationship is really hard. sooo hard. yes, i'm tempted to give up. to let go. i'm so confused if i should continue fighting for this. but like what it says 'don't give up' and even if it's hard, even if it i want him so much that it hurts to not be beside him that i cry. i'm not gonna give up. i'm not gonna give you up. i'm not gonna give US up. not now. not ever. i'm holding on tightly so please don't ever let go.

My Celebrity Look-alikes

2007-03-24T12:07:00.000-07:00

http://www.myheritage.com

it's still beating....

2007-03-23T10:53:00.000-07:00

my heart is tired. i've been working so hard to keep relationships intact. sometimes i think i should leave it all to fate because that would be easier. what will happen will happen. but then, i would be stuck waiting for something that may not ever happen. that's the sad side of being a hopeless romantic. you tend to have high expectations when it comes to loving you. however the cheesiest lines or the simplest craziest thing done for you is enough to keep you happy. i'm tired of doing almost everything even though i actually love doing it. in a way, i'm tired of loving. i'm not saying i don't want to love anymore. all i want is to be loved. without having to do so much. to have someone doing the things i do for me, for us. i'm also not saying that i'm giving up. i cannot. i won't. not now. after all i've done and all we've been through. it's too late to give up now. i'm only human so i get tired too. i'm not some sort of robot that is programmed to do things. even robots need to be charged to function. i don't really know. maybe i'm scared. i'm scared that all this hard work i'm doing would go to a waste. i don't want all my sacrifices to just lose its meaning and all this fighting and waiting be of no significance. i can't be certain what is gonna happen tomorrow or next week or next month or after six years. the one thing i'm certain of now is that this feeling is stronger than it has ever been and i wouldn't have it any other way.

you see, all i want is someone who sends me cards on my birthday, valentines, anniversaries, christmas or just because he wants me to know how much he misses me in letters. i want someone who would call me in the middle of the night from where he is, because it is early morning where i am, just to tell me 'i love you' and to hear my voice. i want someone who would stay up late just to go online to chat with me. i want someone who would send me gifts even if it costs him alot of money just to make me happy. i want someone who would proudly keep telling his friends about me. i want someone who would willingly give up his life for me because he'd rather die than live without me. i simply want someone who would love me more than i can ever love him. most of all, i just want to be happy in love. no doubts. no uncertainties. no pain. no hardship. just love, good times and one another.

but then again, despite all that, i just want you. enough said.

stars.

2007-03-22T12:18:00.000-07:00

"stand outside this evening. look at the stars. know that you are special and loved by the One who created them."

i like this little cartoon because it seems to be something i like to do nowadays. go stargazing by myself. actually, stare at the stars and wish how life would be different and easier. think about my friends back home and of course, my boyfriend. i don't know but somehow, when i look at the stars, it makes me feel closer to home. to actually be under the same big sky and the stars. i just want to see a shooting star. so that i could wish all my worries away. and i could wish that i would be where i want to be. some place that's far from here.

Should you be friends with your Ex?

2007-03-21T12:04:00.000-07:00

By Emily Battaglia, LifeScript Staff Writer
Wednesday, March 21, 2007

“I still want to be friends.” “We’re better as friends than lovers.” Those words are the kiss of death in many relationships. Are they simply said to soften the blow or are they genuine? Even with the best of intentions, it’s tough to become buddies after a breakup. According to a 2004 NBC.com poll, 48% of people surveyed said they remained friends with their ex. And 18% of those surveyed said that they’ve tried, but it didn’t work. Can you really be friends with a former lover? Find out now. Plus: Are you over your ex?

There’s no way around it – breaking up is hard to do, as most of us know from first-hand experience. Ending a relationship is especially painful when you’ve invested a lot of time and emotional energy.

Naturally, the thought of never seeing or speaking to your loved one again is scary. That’s why so many couples want to remain friends. And that’s why so many women believe a platonic relationship is better than losing someone entirely.

continuation: just click below.
http://www.lifescript.com/channels/well_being/Meditations_Motivations/should_you_be_friends_with_your_ex.asp?page=1

halo-halo in springtime.

2007-03-19T15:30:00.000-07:00

argh..why does this monday have to be soo bad? okay, so this morning i had to take the bus to college because they used the car to pick up my dad from the airport. yes, he has arrived from the philippines. so anyway, i left home in time to get on the bus. so here i was on the bus and then when the bus making a turn, the side mirror of a car went flying to the other side of the road. as in whoa. haha. so when the bus took another turn, the car followed and stopped the bus i was oh. sh*t. i was thinking, 'gawd, i'm gonna be late if they don't hurry up'. so i just switched bus and arrived at college early. what's with monday mornings? everyone's just out of their minds.

+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+

is it me or is it just because it's a monday? crap. i feel so down and sad. but not because i'm homesick. you know there are days when you just feel like something's wrong but you just don't know what. maybe it's because of his text. i felt insecure and uncertain of things. i did want history to repeat itself again. as it has done so many times before. maybe i wanted to always be part of his life. and for that moment i may have lost part in that. then i realized i lost my bracelet with a heart and i just love. it's even new. double crap.

+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+

Sunny: hey super geek!
Anna: what's your problem super nerd?
S: what did you get for c1?
A: tell me what you got first.
S: oh, come on. don't be a fish. i asked first.
A: i am not a fish.
S: ...
A: if i'm a fish, you know already you're a monkey.
S: fine.

+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+

the weather's really wierd. damn global warming. hahaha. last week it was almost like summer. you could feel the heat coming on. but today it was just so damn cold!! i had to wear my winter jacket again. another wierd thing was that it rained for a few minutes. then the sun shined. then it snowed a little. then sunshine. lastly hail. ouch. then of course sunny day again. it's just so funny thinking about it. weatherman said it was also gonna snow this week. have to get ready for that. but then again, the weatherman is not reliable that much anymore. poor weatherman. haha.

+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+

did i ever say that statistics is booring?! as in. i'm not saying easy. there's a difference. all i'm saying is that it's booooring...zzzz. haha.

+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+

"so she's brazilian, she's indian, philippinian and iranian.." "huh? wait..philippinian? me? there's no such word." hahaha! every time i think about it, people keep saying either i'm philippinian or philippinian food. and i'm keep saying 'there's no such word as philippinian'. and then i go teaching the right words to say. even my teacher said philippinian. funny. haha. well what can i say? i'm proud to be philippinian!! haha.

My Celebrity Look-alikes

2007-03-17T12:42:00.000-07:00

My cool celebrity look-alike collage from MyHeritage.com. Get one for yourself.

2007-03-15T15:34:00.001-07:00

mixed thoughts.

2007-03-13T04:50:00.000-07:00

it's tuesday again. crap. i'd hate it completely if i didn't get to talk to him early this morning. that's my consolation for such a bad day.

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it's seems everybody's just so busy. it's quite hard to get to talk to people nowadays. they're either busy with requirements for school or busy studying for exams. it's funny how life keeps us busy with totally different things. but sadly, i can't help but be sort of laid back at times. which i really hate that about myself at times. argh. gotta get some work done.

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oh besh, my gahd, i missed you. talking to you last sunday was such a good thing. a little catching up. it made me think back on times before. i missed going out with you and simply hanging out, non-stop chikahan and chillin. haay. those were the easier times. i super appreciate the honesty you have and the frankness you always bring. i like that about you. naks. hehe. you take care always, ok? i'll always be here if ever you need me. i love you besh. miss you. *bigbearhugs*

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

monday's are totally loong. and boring. i come in early to a subject that is boooring. then i wait almost 3hours for another subject that is pointless, which is accounting of course. let me see. monday's accounting is the most wasted time ever. first of all, we have the lesson in the biology lab. we waste 30 minutes on register, making plans and settling down in the classroom. someone is always late so gives them time to be marked in. aside from that, our class is multi-lingual. there are people speaking persian, albanian, vietnamese and even cantonese. maybe by the end of my second year in accounting, i know how to speak one or two of these languages. hahaha. and oh, there are also screaming and fighting and bullying in my class. and before i forget, of course, eating and non-stop talking. the teacher can't help but turn red every lesson. which is funny. hahaha.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

sometimes i can't believe that i'm actually in a long-distance relationship. sometimes it seems so surreal. and believe it or not, it has been almost seven months already and we're still here. it's really funny sometimes when i look back on what has happened and then i look at what we have now. it's just wierd and crazy. and believe me when i say i'm happy. i hope he's really happy too. through all of the hard times we have been through, i think this is the hardest. and i'm praying that we see this through. i am telling you this is hard. gaahd. sometimes we don't get to talk for a week. and it's hard not to be worried and scared. but somehow this is working for us. i don't know exactly how. but yeah, it's working. i just hope this time, it lasts.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

last friday, my dad left for the philippines for a week because of a seminar. and we were there to see him off. gahd, was i jealous!! i was wishing that it was me. i wanted that to be me going on the plane and on the way home. argh!! i am so homesick!! if you only knew what it really is like. waaaah. have you ever watched the movie, love actually? at the beginning and end of the film, it showed an airport where people were either leaving or coming home. what i liked about that scenes was that it was so real. that people coming home were welcomed with loving arms. awwww... when will that be me?? i'm keeping my fingers crossed for this summer.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

i just want to tell you bu, i love you so much. now, more than ever. i'm never felt this secure and content about our relationship. i'm always thinking about you and missing you sooo much. of course, i'm also always praying for us. you take care always there. no chicks!! it's bad for your health. haha. i love you. *muwah*

My Celebrity Look-alikes

2007-03-10T12:23:00.000-08:00

http://www.myheritage.com

exactly what i need

2007-03-03T15:45:00.001-08:00

"sometimes it is so easy to think of giving up on someone we love. but the real measure of love is in choosing to stay in a relationship even when there seems to be no reason left for us to. when we cannot find a reason to love someone anymore, then that is the time when we have to teach ourselves to love some more, and give some more."

just thinking about it

2007-02-27T04:13:00.000-08:00

hmm... 3 years, 36 months. yes, it has been 3 years. the way time flies. just imagine how many things could happen in that span of time. looking back, it just makes me feel so old. haha. but i'm sure if there was a point in that 3 years i actually stopped feeling this way. maybe i have. maybe i forgot for a day or two. maybe i tried. but i guess it wasn't possible. it's now even stronger than before, despite all the different circumstances.

i always ask myself why. why does it have to be this way? why can't it be like the others? why must be life so unfair? why do we keep coming back to this? it's really confusing at first because we've done this so many times before. we've given up and tried again over and over. and yet we're still here.

sometimes it's like an addiction or vice you can't just quit. no matter how hard you try, you just can't get it out of your system. the way you feel so high and light and happy without any pain in the world. and yet if you lose it, you'd feel all the emptiness inside of you. you'd feel all the longing and wanting for some more. that somehow the pain of losing would hurt really really bad. like you have a stinging pain in your heart like you've been stabbed for real. you cry and cry while you shout and scream for it. but no one hears you. no one's gonna help you unless you help yourself. then one day you realize you must move on. life does not stop for you. you're getting better. you're now okay. until that day you are face to face again with the thing that caused you to break down, to lose it. it still feels good, but you know you shouldn't do it. what would you choose? would you just be brave enough to walk away or take the risk of going for it without any guarantees in life?

why do i keep fighting for this? why am i so hard-headed and stubborn to keep wanting this? it's just crazy. it's insane. somehow, it's not right. but i'm stuck. i'm bound to this for as long as it takes. i'm not complaining at all. like i said, i'm just thinking about it.

and whatever happens in the years to come, i don't care. all i know is that right now i'm happy with what i'm feeling. and if it doesn't really work, i'm grateful for whole experience because something like this only happens once in a lifetime. [*nax. haha!] enjoy life. we all deserve to be happy. take risks. someday they'll be worth it.

just some advice i found online

2007-02-22T11:16:00.000-08:00

~> this is for those in long-distance relationships and want to make it work. however it is also important for those in a relationship and may be going through a rough time.

1. No matter how frustrated you feel, always remember that this is not how it will be forever.

2. DO NOT focus on your sadness. When i feel sad, I always go to the gym and by the end of the workout i feel better. [what i suggest that you can do is spend alot more time with friends or take up a hobby]

3. Keep busy! It's so important to stay active and live your life, don't hold back from doing the normal day to day stuff. I found myself not going out as much and it made me very low, doesn't help the relationship.

4. DO NOT feel guilty about getting with things. You cannot put your life on hold because your loved one isn't around. It's one thing feeling sad and another hiding away.

5. BE STRONG. It's so hard, and at times very lonely, keep good friends and family around you.

My Celebrity Look-alikes

2007-02-17T12:32:00.000-08:00

http://www.myheritage.com

in the week that passed.

2007-02-16T12:48:00.000-08:00

February 16, 2007

ok. so let's review. my hell week of mock exams has finished and it's now half-term break. yes, hell week because i just got well from being sick last weekend and wasn't able to study. so i had no choice but to cram. so i had a few hours to sleep all week. and at some points i felt so weak. then there's valentine's day which has passed and i think my heart's still intact. hahaha. the day was okay. i spent most of my day studying so as i wouldn't feel so sad. it's another first for me. first valentine's so far away. but of course, i wanted to make sure he wouldn't change his mind when he sees all the dates and couples spending it together. i think he also wanted to make sure i wouldn't change my mind. so i used all the minutes on the callcard just to talk to him. after that, it got me thinking what's so special about valentine's.

what magic does feb14 have that makes almost everyone wanting to be in love, wanting to spend it with someone special? to be honest, i don't know. we all want to experience the feeling of spending it with someone special. you know, receiving flowers or chocolates or stuffy toys or balloons or love letters or any kind of surprise from someone who has been planning for it whole week just to make you smile or feel loved. i miss having that. i do have someone special but it's not the same. the whole scene where you go on dates together, holding hands under the stars, exchanging kisses and just quiet moments spent together. haaay. the hopeless-romantic side of me is again kicking in. i hate it sometimes. it makes me homesick so much.

so going back to whay i am actually saying in the first place, what makes valentine's day so damn special?? what sets it apart from christmas? they're both special occasions. you're supposed to give and spread love on christmas. but for me, i'd spend christmas day with my family. and valentine's with my significant partner. and that still doesn't answer the question. i believe people really believe in love. it has been said that the greatest feeling in this world is to love and be loved. and it truly is such a good feeling. and eventhough it hurts bigtime, we still continue to love because it really is a wonderful feeling. it's a special day because it is the day we have for our hearts. the day that we're supposed to feel loved. but sadly, not everyone is sprinkled with the magic that valentine's day brings. for others, it's the day that they feel so lonely. but that's life. it's so unfair. and whatever valentine's day means to you, for me, it always will be a special day that's meant to make us happy and let us appreciate the fact that we are loved and able to love even if we don't get to spend with a partner.

i hope your valentine's would always be magical and wonderful as it is supposed to be.

~> i love you bu. ;D <~

happy heart's day!

2007-02-14T15:58:00.000-08:00

that's love

2007-02-10T13:09:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you. Then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you up and leaves you crying in the darkness. So a simple phrase like, "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination, not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love but i live because of it.

My Celebrity Look-alikes

2007-02-07T12:30:00.000-08:00

it's tuesday once again.

2007-02-06T03:47:00.000-08:00

February06, 2007

blog blog blog. weeeh. i'm trying to focus now on being more studious for college. it seems i have been a little laid-back for some time. because everything is soo boring. just thinking about it. i have mock exams next week. a total of six exams, three of which are on thursday. i have a presentation on the 27th. (yes, of all days possible, it had to be on that day.) i have to start my work experience at pnb as well as finish my ict coursework which has to be 40 pages thick, minimum. most of all, it's valentine's next week and it's gonna be my loneliest one ever. i thought before that being single after coming from a relationship or knowing that your ex is happy celebrating his with someone else is really really sad. i never ever thought that i would be going through all this trouble of being in long-distance relationship. but i will certainly not just sit in my room crying my heart out. instead i'll just do what i did last year. and that's celebrate valentine's with friends. it's alot better than just for me to alone. waah. but let me look at the bright side of things, the positive side of life. after my exams, it's my half-term break. free from college for one week. and working at pnb wouldn't be bad at all. maybe it would be fun. we'll see. and valentine's is just one day. life simply goes on. even if we say that alot can happen in an hour, what more in one day. it doesn't matter. i'm still happy. even if college is crap and being here makes me miss out on alot. even if i'm far from everyone i love, i'm happy. it's crazy, it's ironic. but it's true.

analyzing love

2007-02-04T13:46:00.000-08:00

I wonder why it seems so important these days to analyze everything.Someone says, "I love you," and we feel we should question what they mean.We want to know what they are really saying and wonder what they are feeling. We spend endless hours dissecting why someone would say this or do that, putting under a microscope things that would be better simply accepted.

It is certainly true that the more we know about something or someone, the more we can understand them. But we can never know everything about anything and that's alright too. There is a certain magic in that fact that even after a lifetime of relating the deepest feelings, thoughts and actions may remain incomprehensible.

What we need to know about loving is no great mystery. We all know what constitutes loving behavior; we need but act upon it, not continually question it. Over-analysis often confuses the issue and in the end brings us no closer to insight. We sometimes become too busy classifying, separating, and examining, to remember that love is easy. It's we who make it complicated.

~Leo Buscaglia (Born For Love)

coz it's a tuesday.

2007-01-30T04:03:00.000-08:00

January 30, 2007

i am so temped to blog right now. i am in my ict class trying to do my coursework which 40% of my whole grade but instead here i am, blogging. try and stop me. haha. my friend is so absorbed in her coursework. which is so good of her. while i am here beside her envious of the fact her mind is working. apparently mine isn't. haha. however the others are also pretending to be doing their coursework. one's not even in this class but she's here with her friends blabbering away. another is watching prisonbreak on the internet. the others, no clue. funny how i can just type and type when i blog.

anyways, today i feel alot better than yesterday. yesterday was just so awful. it was so sloow. sometimes it was as if time has just stopped for some moments. my friends here was saying it was not like to be so quiet. so what if i wasn't myself. so what if i wasn't feeling okay. the world still goes round. time still goes on.

so frankly speaking, i kept thinking why i am so down yesterday. and after alot of debating between myself and me, i considered the option that i was scared. terrified. but wasn't actually paranoid. somehow i felt my heart was being pierced in the middle over and over again. but then i wasn't exactly heartbroken. so what's wrong with me. nothing really. it's just one of those days that you feel all of the weight of the world on your shoulder. and all you need is to let it all out.

yesterday trip

2007-01-27T13:39:00.000-08:00

january 28, 2007

oh well. yesterday didn't turn out as expected. my trip to cambridge was kinda disappointing in a way. cambridge university is such a wonderful place. but my experience wasn't such a happy time. it was really tiring. and i was a little badtrip at the end of the day. so to simply summarize things, the day started out when my only friend on this trip was late. i thought what if she wasn't able to make it. it would be crap to go to on this trip alone. good thing she arrived and we were off. it was a two hour drive to cambridge. so bored on the way to or from. actually slept on the way back. i also walked in the rain. so uncomfortable in my coat. wanted to talk to him so much. argh. haha. it was as if everything had gone wrong. till i eventually questioned why i wanted to be there on that bus. then i decided to just let it go. what the heck? i was already there. but then i'm glad i got to talk to him at the end of the day. yey! but was feeling so homesick. yes, last night was the time i decided to feel homesick. so, as usual i had to pour it out. to just let it all out.

weeeh first time.

2007-01-24T14:59:00.000-08:00

january 24, 2007. it's official. it snowed. woohoo. first time. please note the past tense. wasn't able to see the snow dropping. we just woke up to a white morning. i'm actually considering to not sleep until i see snow dropping. haha. it's so exciting to see snow. i don't care if it's freaking cold. yeah, i had to wear three layers of clothes. and still, the cold got to me.but anyways, i just love it. i love the view. you can see the park and leafless trees all in white. so nice. it's also fun to have snowball fights. but it sometimes hurts, i tell you. especially if it's a big snowball. omg, i'm just so excited. haha. london is the place for so many new firsts. so many new experiences. and little things in life that are totally different. but that's another entry for some other day.

happy 2007!

2006-12-31T14:42:00.000-08:00

stolen quotes

2006-12-28T11:13:00.000-08:00

some quotes i got from the internet. so nice..

[1]
It seems like yesterday
that my world fell from the sky
It seems like yesterday
I didn't know how hard I could cry
It feels like tomorrow
I may not get by
But I will try
I will try
Wipe the tears from my eyes.

[2]
You know that I'm just the kind of girl
that feels so hurt and smiles
I don't use excuses
Don't ask why
It's just a breakdown
It happens all the time.

[3]
Ever had one of those days
Where you hate the world&
Anything that happens
Even dropping your pen
Makes you want to break down and cry?

[4]
he gets her out of bed in the morning,
drags her to school, pulls her through classes,
brightens up her day, & doesn't even know he does it.

[5]
if we were a movie,
you'd be the right guy,
and i'd be the best friend
that you fall in love with in the end.

[6]
just once, i want to be someone's reason for waking up.
someone's reason for going through another day.
just one time, i want to be the one being wished for.
i want to be the reason he says "i'm so lucky to have her"

[7]
Maybe, just for one day
we could be together
holding hands while walking around.
making every girl jealous
that I got you by my side.

[8]
Everytime she laughs
She hopes he's watching
Not so he sees that she's happy
but that maybe, just maybe
He'll fall for her smile
Just as hard as she fell for his

my sentiments: longing for a shoulder to cry on.. longing for someone..anyone?

2006-12-26T05:48:00.000-08:00

december 26, 2006

NOTE: the article you're about to read has not really been thought through because everything just came out straight from my head with the tears causing me to write drama. it's best if you do not read it, it'll save you from so much sadness. STOP now please. but if you do decide to read on, i ask for only one thing. do not judge me solely based on this entry. there's a whole lot more to me than just this one-time feeling. please do not judge, just try to understand. thank you.

i tried to keep it all inside. i tried to hide it thinking this is nothing. that what i'm feeling is something that will just pass. oh was i wrong. i couldn't keep it in. i just had to let it out. so of course, i did burst into tears. i was crying non-stop for quite some time like a faucet, in my very own bathroom because it is the only place in our house i can be alone. alone to my thoughts and my tears. aside from crying, i decided to do what seems to be my outlet for all my pain, hurt and sadness. you can find my happiness in pictures. all the smiles, laughters and good times. i have decided too that i would only write this entry here and not in my multiply, myspace or friendster. coz i'm not sure if anyone's reading this. and of course, i don't want people who do not know me personally cast me as 'mababaw' or too sensitive, making a big deal of out nothing. i am merely writing all that has made me cry my heart out.

i am lonely. i want a shoulder to cry on. i need someone, anyone to listen to me. i know i am not alone. HE is listening. HE is there, here with me. and i'm sure HE knows how hard everything is for me. i should be grateful and i am. i can get anything i want, i get the chance to have a wonderful education, i know i have people waiting for me to return home. so why am i sad? why am i feeling so lonely, crying and writing all this down?

"kung gusto, maraming paraan"

such a cliche-ic thing to say. but for me this is true. i would do anything and everything for someone i love, for a friend, for family, even for him. is it a bad thing for me to want people to show that i mean something to them? is it such a bad thing to, once in a while, want someone to go out of their way despite their busy schedules just to make me smile and remind be that i am deeply missed most because of the distance apart? i am not bad person at all, right? i'm friendly, thoughful and caring. i'm also understanding and a good person. argh! is it a bad thing to want people to show me (rather remind me) that i am special to them, the way i show it to them? yeha i know, it's better to give than receive. and that it's the thought that counts. but what if thoughts weren't enough and that they were just in people's heads.

is it too much to ask if someone, just one person, to send me a card or a simple postcard as a reminder that i am not forgetten? i want someone, atleast one, to be able to stop whatever they maybe doing and think of me, even for just a minute. to wonder if i'm alright, if i'm happy or if anyone's taking care of me. sometimes i think what if i don't do anything to keeping touch with my friends, what will they do? will they try and and reach me? will they try to find me? or would it be that i may have just disappeared and no one will ever notice? i am jealous of those people in the same situation as me, far from friends and loved ones in a country that's new to them, and yet happy because they are reminded everyday that they are missed and their absence has made such a big differnce.

i'm not angry at my friends nor do i hold any grudges. maybe a little disappointed. but i understand. everyone has things that keep them busy. and certain things cost money. so i can't blame them for not trying. i'm just glad that everytime i reach out for them, they still reach for me as well. i hope they never get tired of holding on.

i think i now know what really it is i want. i know that there are people waiting for my return. and i know this, for a fact. i guess, all i want is for people to remind me that i am missed. that i am needed. a reminder for me that i am loved and never will i be alone. that despite the distance, they will always be there for me. another thing is that i am scared. i am sometimes actually scared to go home. i'm scared that things would be different. i don't want to go home just to find out that i have nothing in common with my friends anymore or there are certain gaps in our relationship. i hate to be such a pessimist. but sometimes things like this happen, although i'm wishing it doesn't happen to me and my friends.

so everything comes down to this.
1) i want to be reminded that i am missed, loved but most of all, not forgetten by friends and loved ones.
2) i am scared. scared that things would turn out for the worst. and that the reason for leaving was to lose everything that mattered to me. oh i hope not. (naku wag naman po sana!)
3)and lastly, i do hope there is atleast one person reading this now, please don't judge me as someone too sensitive. think of me as someone going through a difficult and new stage in her life right now and is in badly need of a squeeze, a hug in a new world.

like my friend said, i know this might sound trivial to whoever might read this but believe me when i say that it isn't to me. we all have our own different problems. for others, it may seem shallow but for that person, mabigat na yun. for now that's it, we'll see how this turns out.

happy holidays!

2006-12-25T14:46:00.000-08:00

christmas greetings

2006-12-25T01:42:00.000-08:00

december 25, 2006

okay. so it's officially past one, christmas day, london time. (it's past nine in the morning in the philippines) just finished eating with my family and now, i'm typing away here in my blog. to be honest, i'm not really thrilled. i'm still happy that it is in fact christmas. but somehow it just feels different. and you probably know why already.

alot of firsts this season. the obvious ones of course are my first christmas abroad. my first christmas here in london. my first christmas far from friends and relatives. then there are those other firsts like first christmas with filipinos here. first christmas officially with someone.(although not physically of course) first christmas in winter. first christmas i'm actually thinking about time difference and all the sending of cards and calling home. argh, i could just go on and on to come up with some crazy first.

but it's really nice to know that people here also celebrate christmas eve and the whole christmas season. with their pine trees and gifts. i wonder what new year would be like here. hmmm..

christmas will always be christmas. no matter where you are in this world. i'm just glad that i'm not alone. coz i have my family. atleast i don't have to be all alone, giving a toast to myself. one thing i've learned is that you have to know how to make the best out of everyday. only then would you be able look forward to tomorrow, as well as to that day where you would be exactly where you want to be, happy and content.

merry christmas everyone!! hope you would enjoy today like i will.

something to learn

2006-12-23T13:02:00.000-08:00

I've learned that when you plan to get even with someone, you're only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned that ignoring the facts do not change the fact.

I've learned that the easiest way to grow as a person is to surround yourself with people smarter than you are.

And i've learned that life is tough, but you can be tougher.

my first christmas

2006-12-16T14:42:00.000-08:00

dec16, 2006

wow, i can't believe it's christmas already. then it would be new year. six months has passed since i left pinas. so many has changed. somehow i am getting used to life here. but at the beginning, it's been really hard for me. there were times i couldn't stop my tears and i would hide in the bathroom just so they wouldn't see me cry. there were also certain decisions i had to make over that six months. and lots of questions i ask myself why i end up here. all that's in the past now. i'm beginning to love it here. (though of course, i still want to go home to pinas.) the best thing i love about living abroad is that i can actually get anything i want here. haha. i am just simply making the best out of life here.

2007 seems so close now. a year has passed. naku. looking back now, it has been such a crazy year. moving, changing, making decisions, adjusting and all the different things i've been through.

during the first night of simbang-gabi, UK version, i can't help but remember last year's simbang-gabi. i'm so proud of the fact that i completed all nine dawn masses!! so of course, i made this wish. but i ain't sure if it did come true. there's something that happened but i can't exactly say that my wish came true. hopefully. christmas here is ALOT different. you don't really hear any carolers. although there is alot of christmas parties here and there. there is simbang gabi. except that it is spent during the evenings from dec15-23. you should smell the pine trees that they sell for christmas trees. ooh, it would really remind you that christmas is nearing.

hay, i just love christmas no matter where i am. yeah, it's sad that i don't get to celebrate it with my friends or him. but they would certainly be in my thoughts. of course i would be keeping in touch. my christmas wish this year would be uhm.. oh, i wish that all my relationships[with friends and family and everyone else] deepen over the years despite the distance. i do wish that i could also go home next year. i super miss pinas already. and of course, there's this other wish but it's gonna be my secret. i do hope it comes true. i'll be keeping fingers crossed. looking ahead to the year 2007, i hope for more blessings and i know it's gonna be another insanely crazy year.

to all my friends, i miss you guys soo much and i also love you guys soo much. wish you all the best this christmas season and let's toast to a new year! see you soon!! and to everyone reading this, happy holidays!!

10 things to avoid when in a relationship

2006-11-30T12:58:00.000-08:00

NEVER flirt when you know you're taken.
NEVER fall in love with others. stay in love with your partner.
NEVER LIE.
NEVER go out without your partner's permission.
NEVER go out for a date with another person.
NEVER do things that will hurt your partner.
NEVER stay quiet, say your feelings you're hurting.
NEVER call or text a person when you know your partner would be jealous.
NEVER kiss and hug with an opposite sex.
NEVER SAY PROMISES IF YOU CAN'T KEEP THEM.

almost complete.. almost perfect..

2006-11-21T12:08:00.000-08:00

november 21, 06

haay 18 at last. often times i ask my friends, when they turn 18, 'how does it feel?', 'any changes?' and they always answer, 'not much', 'not really'. and it is true. what happens when one turns 18 anyway? they can vote. they can drive. they can go watch r-18 movies. they can have a job. this and that..

but i don't feel 18 yet. it's not sinking into me that i'm 18. i feel like right now, it doesn't even matter.

anyways, i enjoyed my 18th birthday celebration. they were teasing me that it started as early as wednesday evening [nOte: my birthday was on a thursday. last thursday.] because we had a dinner invitation at the Royal Garden Hotel for FriendsPhilippines. [nOte: i have pics from that night, just check my photos page.] there were ABS-CBN people and the Bayanihan Dance Troupe who were really good! and i actually was drinking red wine and dancing with my parents. [wait, that didn't sound right. haha!] we got home around midnight here and people started greeting me already.

so on the 16th of nov, i woke up a little later than usual and it got frustrating because my mom was dressing me up like a barbie. making me change this that, and aside from traffic, she almost got me late because i left the house late. it was raining at first but good thing it stopped because my friends and i planned to have lunch outside college. we had lunch at subway, which was at the hammersmith station. i treated them to sandwiches and they surprised me with gifts and cake. and sadly, no candles. hahaha! i was surprised with their gifts. truly so touched. but we had to go back to college because some of us still had classes.

upon arriving home, i changed immediately because we had to leave for the embassy. when we arrived there, my mom told me to stay first at my dad's office. because they were preparing of a surprise of some sort. turns out they had planned a small program for me including 18 roses and 18 candles. i thought it was just suppose to be some kainan lang. but it was more than that. [many thanks to tita she!!] after the short program, my dad gave a speech on my behalf because i already felt like crying. and actually did. mixed emotions really. i was so touched and happy. i didn't expect that. i was sad because of course, it was complete. i still didn't have my last dance. haay..

what was funny was that there was also a party the next day. another birthday party for a one year old. [baby mia!!] they were saying that it was like my party, day three. haha! and my celebration would have ended today at Buckingham Palace. because the Queen is holding some dinner for the diplomatic delegations. i could have come along if my dad had only known that i was allowed to come along. damn. what an ending it could have been to my so-called week-long celebration!! oh well, there's still next year for the Queen. watch out! haha.

what makes me really sad is the fact that not everyone was able to greet me. i can actually count on my fingers who remembered my birthday from back home. i can understand that everyone's really busy with school and life so i'm not really holding grudges or any disappointment with them. but it's one thing i really wished for. for my friends back home to be able to go out of their way just to remind me that i am not forgotten. it was really important that they remembered or greeted me on my birthday this year because this is my first birthday here in london and aside from that, my 18th as well. argh!! i'm really wishing that they're no longer disappointed in me about my decision. i still miss and love all my friends deeply. and always will. [waaah! tama na nga ang drama! hahaha! moving on...]

i've made so many wishes today that i hope every wish i made will eventually compare. i've said all my prayers to God and i feel really blessed for everything i have right now.for whatever reason he has brought me here, i fully accept that life must go on and know that life will someday become the way i want it to be. or maybe better. as for now, i'm beginning to enjoy this experience one day at a time.

to those who has shared their laughter and smiles and tears with me, to those who have influenced me, to those who have always been there for me despite the distance, to those who understood and continue understanding me, to those who care for me, to everyone who has become a part of my life, even for a short while, i thank you from the bottom of my heart. i'm sorry for any disappointment i may have given you guys. maybe i could make up for it. someday. and for everything esle, life's good!!

so although the day started out bad with rain and dress-ups and monthly periods and traffic, everything else was perfect. well atleast, almost perfect..

i love my girlfriends!

2006-11-08T12:36:00.000-08:00

i look at my friends, then i look at me. without my hunnys, where would i be? my friends, my sisters, m shadow, my world. where would i be without my girls? tears, giggles, smiles and laughs, late night calls and cute photographs. i'll be there for you till the day of my death. BEST GIRLIES FOREVER, TILL MY VERY LAST BREATH.

especially for you, my friend

2006-10-21T12:06:00.000-07:00

October 21, 06

lately i've been thinking about what you said. all i can tell you right now is i'm happy with my decision. i know we've talked about this so many times before and said so many things. but then i had to take it back. i want to give him another chance. even if it means i'm being stupid.

i know you're disappointed. (so are others) but please understand that i'm not as strong as when we used to talk about it. no matter how many times i try or how hard i try, i just can't forget. i keep coming back to it. i value your honesty in telling me the truth about how you feel.

i'm really thankful for you. because you've been there when i needed someone the most. because you are one of the people who has influenced me and taught me some things i now know. but i feel i need to do this. i just can't explain why. you're the one who told me that things happen for a reason. but i don't yet what the reason is for this. but i hope it's not losing you.

don't worry too much that i'd end up just getting hurt and having my heart broken. again. coz that's what seems to always happen to me. this time, i'm not scared that what if tomorrow he decides to break up with me. because if ever that happens, i have the time and space i'd need to really move on. and if this time it doesn't work again, then it isn't really meant to be. [at di ko na ipagpipilitan pa] one thing i'm really scared of though is that i may lose you as a friend. (and the others as well)

yes, i know. i'm really stupid and very crazy to try again. but i just don't want to be stupid and lose you altogether. you're very important to me and i really hope you'll understand. i'm happy with him right now and the decision i made. but i can't be completely and truly happy if you're not cool with it. it would mean so much to me. but i do understand if you can't.
i'm really sorry. hope i could make up for it. or maybe we could come up with something to make this work. i'm sorry.

do you have any clue?

2006-10-19T12:02:00.000-07:00

october 19, 06

how do you make decisions in your life?

there are so many decisions we must make in this world. so many choices to choose from. so many mistakes to make and learn from.

which one would you follow: your intuition, your mind or your heart?

people sometimes act on impulse, on intuition. they make a decision because of a gut feeling. they're not even sure why they made that choice. they just think it's possibly right. other people choose to follow their minds because it usually sees the reality of life. they say we should listen to our mind instead of following our heart. that's why the mind is above the heart. some people choose to listen to their heart. because sometimes the heart knows best. people decide because of passion.

so do you choose what is supposed to be the right thing to do or follow your feelings even if it is wrong? would you take the risk, knowing what the consequences are?

doing the right thing doesn't guarantee that you wouldn't feel any pain. it normally means sacrificing things that mean alot to you. it's just one of the consequences that is possible to happen.

in the end, how do you if you've made the right decision? or if it's something you're not going to regret?

recently, i made a decision out of impulse and passion. in other words, i decided to go with my heart inside of listening to my mind. my mind tells me it's a very stupid thing to do. but then, it's just feels so right. i took the risk again. like i have always have. stupid, yeah i know. but then i am happy. [just don't argue with me now that for how long will this last]

not everyone will agree with what i did. others would just say it's ok, just for me. i can't please everyone and i know some will be really disappointed. [and already are] it's just so hard trying not to lose everyone who matters to me so much. i'm so far away and i'm dealing with this. i have to. it's so damn harder dealing with this and being so far away.

i need clarity right now. everything seems so blurred. i need someone who i can talk to right now. to just listen and then comfort me. i want to cry and lean on someone's shoulder and get a nice big hug. if you could only see now, you wouldn't see any signs of confusion or sadness. you will only be seeing me smile and laugh. as if everything's just fine. when it really isn't.

by the way, to those reading this who would perceive me right now as some what dramatic and all this being too much drama, i'm really sorry because in reality, i'm no drama queen at all. i just need to let it all out. all the pain-hurt-agony-sorrow-sadness-anger-misery-whatever you name it that life brings. it's better than crying or shouting or screaming. this is quiet. and best of all, it works for me.

choices

2006-10-01T22:28:00.000-07:00

October 1 - 10:28pm

it's raining again. as i hold my umbrella and look around, i can't help but think about stuff. stuff concerning things in the past, things happening now and looking ahead to what could be. i've got myself thinking if i made the right decisions. i don't want to live my life in regrets, let alone wondering what could have been.

i'm scared and really terrified. i'm scared of losing everything because of a wrong choice. oh please don't let this be the wrong choice.

i don't want you to choose me just because i'm the safe option. i don't want you to choose me because i've never left you in the past. i don't want you to choose me just because i've always been here.

i want you to choose me not because you need me but that you really want me. i want you to choose beacuse there simply is no one else. i want you to choose me because there simply is no other choice.

and i chose you not because i can't live without you. oh i can leave without you but i choose not to.

just pass me by

2006-09-30T18:58:00.000-07:00

September 30 - 6:58pm

i've just got my caramel macchiato. there was a long line for hot drinks since it just finished raining hard and now all that's left is drizzle of rain and alot of wet ground. it's quite a long walk to the park in Leicester Square and hundreds of people are all around. i see families, tourists, couples, friends...oh the list just goes on.

i think about life here in the UK. everything is fast-paced. it's just so different.

i think about how i really have to spend alot for keeping in touch with text messages to people back home. and slowly text messages i send are lessened. and it's gonna be harder to keep in touch.

i think about i feel so left out from everything. i feel i'm missing out on alot. i'm so sad i'm not able to be a witness to all that is happening in my friends' lives. not everyone keeps in touch. but then i can't blame them. coz we're all busy anyway. sometimes i feel my friends are disappointed in me and avoiding me because of decisions i made. sometimes i feel like i'm forgetten. but that's too much drama even for me.

they say there's a reason for everything. i don't want the reason for my being here is losing everyone that means the most to me.

then i wouldn't have any reason to go back home. ='(

badly

2006-09-28T06:11:00.000-07:00

i'm thinking of you tonight
and all that i want to do

i wanna look into your eyes
like i'm looking into your soul

i wanna hold your hand
squeeze it tight like there's no letting go

i want you to hug me so tight
just to show me how much you've missed me

i wanna feel your kiss
just like the first time it felt so right

but most of all, i just wanna be with you tonight
like it's the last time you'd ever be mine

here we are again

2006-09-28T05:51:00.000-07:00

Call me crazy to fall for someone like you
I can't seem to help it coz i always do
The truth is you've always been special
Eventhough most of the time it didn't show

Oh i wish i could see the future
So i would know how it ends for you and me
I wanna know if this time it's for real
Or if fate is just playing with me again

Have you ever thought fate may be playing games with you
Coz somehow you always seem to keep coming back to me
I guess you you just got to stop and realize
That there's got to be a reason why this keeps happening

Maybe we should take it as a sign
Something we were just too blind to see
So take my hand now and never let go
Until we see an apple in an orange tree

walk right through me

2006-09-21T05:07:00.000-07:00

does history repeat itself?

this is a thought that comes to my mind today.

i'm in a situation where i feel it's like karma or something. i think the right term would be de ja vu. *damn.*

it's really frustrating.

you keep on trying to change something, some sad situation but then, you just can't.

it's always the same sad thing.

you start as if everything's fine, like everything's gonna be okay. then everything changes in one day.

i hate it!!

you give everything a try. you keep on trying. but you always end up being a joke.

you always end up being played with.

you end up always being a fool.

for believing in something that you wished so hard to work. for wanting something to last.

it's like believing a lie.

it's hard.

there's nothing else i can do but cry.

but why cry for something that's not worth the tears at all?

it's like fate keeps playing with me. how i wish things weren't that hard.

you let someone in your life just to have them ruin it for you.

and to go through things over and over again.

it's like you never learn.

you're suppose to learn from your mistakes. but it seems i never learn.

i keep getting hurt.

this has got to be the last time. and i gotta keep my word this time.

this time there's no looking back.

and i'm gonna need all the help i can get.

darkness

2006-09-15T19:45:00.000-07:00

September 15, 2006 7:45pm

And now the house is suddenly quiet. No more screaming, crying or arguments. No laughter whatsoever or anybody talking. Everyone seems to be engrossed in doing something that doesn't count as nothing.

I just stare. Stare into the vast space around the room. Then I look at the river and watch the wind blowing against it. I sigh.

Enough crying. Enough regrets. Enough thinking of what could have been or wishing how things were different. It is all useless.

Coz this is reality. My reality.

You feel crushed and so empty and down and unhappy and restless and lost and really really sad. But most of all you feel alone and lonely. *crap*

Stop crying. It won't do much. It only confirms how you really feel. I only feel sad for you coz no matter how hard or how long you weep your heart out, no one is ever gonna hear you. Your crying is their silence.

Whatever happened to the rainbow after the rain? the sound of laughter? the singing and dancing? the smiles? Valentine's and cupids? the lively color of flowers and butterflies? kissing, holding hands and all the crappy things couples do? the opening of gifts on Christmas or Birthdays? the happy chatting between friends? Whatever happened to life which seemed happy and beautiful, wonderful and magical? Coz i can't seem to see it right now.

I am facing the corner. And it is dark.

somewhere lost

2006-08-22T08:03:00.000-07:00

august 22, 2006

i now realize that i usually write when i feel down or pissed or sad or hurt. that just like my other friends, i write to let my sentiments out. coz one thing i've learned this past year is that you got to face the problems you come across heads on. you may not always have someone to depend on. there are times you are on your own. why? i believe it's during the time you are alone when you learn how to depend on yourself. you also get to realize how strong you really are.

i think often of what has been hapening.

i feel lost from not knowing what to do about certain stuff.

i am confused about what i should really feel to what can i really do.

some one-liners. my head is in a kind of whirl. so many thoughts. so many scenes. so many reminders. all i want is to live my life without any complications that make my head hurt. and my heart. oh my heart. it's been long filled with confusions, heartaches, pain, heartbreaks and all the other emotions that could keep one awake at night or could make one cry themselves to sleep. i just want to feel loved and be able to love freely. without having to doubt or feel insecure. oh what am i saying here? i'm kinda going out of my mind now.but i guess that's life, huh. it sucks. but i can say that i'm doing just fine.

[currently listening to: come breathe me]

my friends

2006-08-11T10:54:00.000-07:00

one year. and counting...

2006-07-24T20:38:00.000-07:00

july 24, '06 8:38pm

one year.

i can't believe it's been one year already.

time flies. so fast.

i am now here looking back on what has happened this past year.

all the ocassions that passed. the frustrations. the tears. the lies. the problems. the pain. the midnight calls. the events that happened. the partying. the sleepless nights. the hurt. the food. the wierdness. the counseling. the void. the music. the conversations that last for hours. the night-outs. the nonsense. the smiles. the company. the drinks. the laughter. the loneliness. the advices. the fun. the craziness.

so what have i learned in this past year? hmmm, let's see.

*love is just a word until someone you meet gives it a proper meaning. *he who promises too much means nothing. *being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage. *you can actually learn about life in your solitude. *love is like magic, but sometimes magic is nothing but an illusion. *learn by listening; understand by reflecting. *it hurts to fall in love with a friend. *we make our own happiness. *love means letting the other person grow even if it means letting go. *too little and too much spoils everything. *you can hide the pain that you feel and make others believe that you can move on, but you can never deny the truth to yourself. *sometimes the most important people in your life are the ones taken away from you. *friends are the best interpreter coz even in silence, even when nothing is said and even if they don't know what has happened.. they don't ask you questions, they just understand. *no one can really help you but yourself. *life is too short to be anything but happy. *God works in mysterious ways. *the magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end. *one can never receive too many hugs. *life is what you make it. *never love too deep. *no one can go back and make a new beginning but anyone can start from now and make a happy ending. *broken destiny is loving someone that could never be yours. *if someone you love hurts you, cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it. *life goes on.

so what exactly am i celebrating at this point in my life that i am looking back on it right now?

oh not much really. and i'm not gonna say what it is really. maybe you could just me personally if you're really curious. ^_^

i love my life right now. even if there are some things that are missing. but it's cool. they're not going anywhere anyway.

i'm looking forward to another year like this.

[july25, 3:38am - Phil. time]

me and bu...este, me and you

2006-07-24T11:27:00.000-07:00

the longing for someone new
dawned on me when you found someone too
it made me wonder, it made me think
i actually lost you when i blinked

i was lost for days and months
but you weren't affected all too much
i even questioned what was wrong with me
and what you saw in her that you didn't see in me

i wanted you back, oh yes, i missed you so
this was the first time in my life i ever felt so low
it was just so hard to forget, i'm not like you
coz i believed what we had was wonderful and true

i was badly hurt as you can see
it was difficult to accept that you left me
now all the plans we made are meaningless
so that's why i was in such a mess

so my friends came to me coz i couldn't do this alone
they said maybe all i need was time and an ice cream cone
that didn't do much, i still felt blue
but my friends took care of me like i had the flu

they listened to me with every bitterness i wept
and watched me cry all the hurt till i slept
they even gave advice to help me clear my mind
even if being with me took up most of their time

my friend kept saying let go, it's time to move on
it's such a waste crying coz you've been long gone
so i thought about it and said i'll give it a try
i'll just save my tears for some other lie

so i decided to let you go and set us free
coz the only way to move on was to let you be
i lived my life one day at a time
until everything had become fine

one day, surprisingly, you just came back
saying things like how there was something you lacked
and we talked as friends even if it was hard for me
but there was nothing wrong with it so i let it be

everything was going fine until one day
you just had to ruin it with your ways
coz you said you wanted me back in your life
but i couldn't let you in, not without a fight

so i didn't say yes but i didn't say no
i was confused and i didn't really know
see the thing is i didn't need you right now
but i didn't want to lose you again somehow

then i realized i never really stopped loving you
i guess i just learned to live my life without you by my side
this is something i know is definitely true
i've just been trying to convince myself my love for you has died

so up to now, i still don't know what to do
you can't help me, you're confused too
but the decision about us will have to wait
since now we are definitely miles away

we still talk every once in a while
but it's hard for me to know if you're telling a lie
coz for a guy, you definitely got alot to say
but i'm trying my best to believe you anyway

alot definitely has changed, this is true
but you keep saying nothing compares to me and you
so like what i always say, let's just wait and see
whatever the future holds for you and me

you told me once you'd wait and i hope you still would
hope you wouldn't just change your mind like your mood
coz who knows one day we'll actually see
and find out if we were really meant to be

by anirtakanna at starbucks, july22, saturday, 3:30pm.

take me home

2006-07-21T13:51:00.000-07:00

wondering the streets alone
no one's calling my phone
isn't anyone looking for me
thinking where could i be

but then again who would bother
to waste their time just to find me
and now as time passes by, i feel lonelier
coz i'm just a stranger to those who see

i keep imagining where you are, what you're doing
and wonderin' if you're thinking about me too
i'm missing you so much already
that now i also dream of me and you

it hurts me so that we're miles apart
i can't see your face or atleast hold your hand
but now, i'm all alone, left in the dark
and no one else could help me, only you can

i'm slowly losing control of my life
maybe i just need you to be part of it
coz i've tried my best to do it on my own
but then i realized i need you more and more

then there you were, right in front of me
looking so worried, i couldn't help but just stare
is this some kind of illusion or crazy dream
that you are actually back with me

you hugged me tight like you won't let me go
while telling me things i've been wanting to hear
you held my hand and begged me to try
but i didn't budge, all i did was cry

so now please would you take me home
coz i always wanna be by your side
with you is where i belong
take me home back to you

coz you know i still love you
you know i'll always care
i want you back in my life
so can i ask you to stay
and never ever leave me alone again

-july21

barrio fiesta time!!

2006-07-17T18:13:00.000-07:00

july 17, '06 6:13pm

our barrio fiesta was held in Hounslow (which is located outside London i think). it was a two-day event spent in Lampton Park which was really spacious. there was also a carnival there. something like Boom Boom or Star City in Pinas. you could win really big stuff toys like big teddy bears which i love. hehe. [note: hehe. someone's making parinig. hehe. to those reading. hehe.] the other side of the park was filled with stalls of pinoy food and mga paninda na pinoy. there were also booths from Globe, remittance, SanMig beer and of course, from the Phil. Embassy. there was also a stage for entertainment. Southborder was even there! so let me tell you a few details of last weekend's event.

july 15 - saturday

one thing i can really say is there are alot of filipinos in the U.K now. it's as if i'm just in the Philippines. it makes me miss Pinas more. *sigh* so we headed first to the our booth and most of my dad's officemates were there already. there was small table set for information purposes and another for pika pika. our booth was located next to the stall selling SanMig beer. talk about inuman. hehe. then we went around. there were booths of almost all kinds. most were selling pinoy food (yum, simply delicious!). there were booths from bpi, globe, pag-ibig and so many more. there were even booths selling pinoy delicacies like datu puti toyo or chips one wouldn't usually find here in the U.K. and believe it or not, i bumped into the two vocalists of southborder, duncan and vince, and even jay durias. really cool. yihihee... they're gonna perform on sunday. i guess they were checking the place out. they actually just arrived from Ireland. they had a concert there. we also saw some of my dad's friends from the province who now lives here in the U.K. as well. after a few minutes we then headed home coz my dad still had an appointment. but we'll be coming back the next day.

july 16 - sunday

arriving today, we went straight to our booth like yesterday. then we went around again. just to check which booths were new and we found out that some prices were actually lowered. we headed to the carnival after looking around. there were rides like body heat which went round and round. there were booths there where you can win a prize and you always will win a prize and you could choose from the small stuff to the big stuff toys (which i love! hihi..). there were even houses of horror. and like all carnivals, there was cotton candy and ice cream. one thing i could tell you that it was really hot that day. 34 degrees. grabe init! talk about heat wave. hehe. so it's just nice to have a halo-halo. hah! saaarrrraaaap. then we waited for southborder to perform. so we just hanged out behind the booth of the embassy. you could see we were also kinda boy-hunting. hihihi. turns out that southborder was the finale of the whole program. so we had to wait for a long time. there were alot of freebies given away which were mostly souvenirs for this year's barrio fiesta. when southborder was on stage, it was kinda hard to watch coz it was really hot and the sun was kinda blaring. but it was fun to watch them anyway. the program ended just a few minutes after six. but we stayed around a little longer until my dad was finished. so while waiting, i drank a few SanMig beers with my mom. talk about mother-daughter bonding. gasp! then finally we headed home. and just about time.

it's kinda sad that it's over. but i had fun. my first barrio fiesta here. wiheeee...

so till next year.

[currently watching monster-in-law/ella enchanted/friends]
[july18, 1:13am]

i am beginning to hate romance movies.

2006-07-16T08:19:00.000-07:00

july 16, '06 8:19pm

i am a self-confessed hopeless romantic. i love watching romantic films such as if only and serendipity or reading books like rosie dunne. and now all of a sudden, i am getting sick of watching those kind of movies. i don't know what's gotten into me. maybe this is just some sort of phase i'm going through. coz of what happened just the other day. i'm going crazy thinking about it and feeling this way. damn!

whenever i watch a movie with a romantic theme, i can't help but get teary-eyed and kinda frustrated. why? maybe i'm sad or something. i hate seeing couples on the screen kissing, holding hands, taking long walks together, being sweet to each other. having the guy say the right words or do the right things all at the right time. it just makes me mad to see those kind of stuff. why again? maybe i want something like that to happen to me. or maybe i miss it. and i can have it. all i need to do is grab this chance coz it's right in front of me. but i can't reach it. and i'm not supposed to. i want it but i can't have it. it's crazy.

i'm going out of my mind. i even had a hard time sleeping last night. now i don't even understand what i'm writing here. do you?

so basically what all this comes down to is the fact that i hate feeling this way. i hate the fact that i feel this way. i hate the fact that i'm stopping myself from being able to truly feel what i feel. i hate the fact that i'm not even suppose to feel this way. but most of all, i hate the fact that i can't stop feeling this way.

it's crazy. madness. confusing. complicated. frustrating. dumb. wierd. heartbreaking. stupid. insane. difficult. disappointing. but real.

damn love.

we all have choices. we can choose what we want to do or what to feel. then this is clearly not my choice.

[currently watching one tree hill/shall we dance]
[july 17, 3:19am]

define this.

2006-07-15T20:58:00.000-07:00

july 15, '06 8:58pm

lovers.
--> boyfriend/girlfriend. official together.

lovers but not quite together.
--> two people who love each other but for some reason can't quite be together.

more than friends, less than lovers.

more than friends, not quite lovers.

friends with benefits/commitment.
--> two people who like each other but are not quite ready to go the next level. or maybe sometimes what's missing is the label that they are sort-of together or boyfriend/girlfriend.

just friends.

strangers.

maybe there are more kinds of relationships out there. i don't know all. coz the real relationships are just between the two people involved. i have my own special relationships which many people wouldn't be able to understand. although neither do i. but i am trying to say is that the two people have a world of their own. and in the world of their own, nothing else matters than each other and what they really mean to one other. even if people see otherwise.

with you, like i said let's see where it goes.

[currently watching batman begins/hitch]
[july 16, 3:58am - Phil. time]

night-dreaming (technically)

2006-07-01T13:06:00.000-07:00

july1, '06 1:06pm

night dreaming.

well technically it was night time. and i was dreaming but not yet asleep. so i guess you just call that something like imagining or thinking. although dreaming sounds so much nicer. and that's the reason why i had the hardest time sleeping. i just kept tossing and turning while dreaming of something i have always wanted to happen. but i wouldn't get much into details.

i hear champagne glasses clicking. i hear people talking to each other. i also hear a song, my favorite song, on the piano. and then, a flash of light, a spotlight, somewhat blinding. people clapping and then silence. then there i am. i see myself, so dressed up in a white dress filled with blue designs and my hair in curls, walking down a flight of stairs with a long red carpet and am really afraid that i might lose my grip and trip, then, fall down the flight of stairs. i feel really nervous but i am still smiling as i look on down to see who would be awaiting me at the end of the stairs, i see faces. i see very familiar faces offering their hands to me, one is holding a bouquet of roses and the other a bouquet of lilies, and i had to choose which one to actually hold on to. then i see all other people looking on as i still walk on the red carpet to where i shall sit myself. i look around to see familiar faces smiling back at me, wishing me all the best. then i recognize the faces of all my friends, looking so beautiful and dashing in their evening gowns and coat and ties. then let's fast forward to the part i have the last dance of the night. all i had to do was choose between the first two very familiar faces that were offering their hands to me earlier. everything depended on who i would choose. why? i just don't know. so here i was. i started walking towards them. and then...

*poof*

welcome back to reality.

why i decided to end a wonderful faiytale? no idea. if you know why, please tell me.

so well, we've just settled to our new home away from home. it's nice. it's not actually a house. but it's nice and spacious. it's got this nice view of River Thames and i do have a small balcony in my room. just lovely. i a nice bathroom. big enough for me. it's still summer here and it's actually getting warm. love it.

[currently thinking: blag blag blag kaboom disappear!]
[july1, 8:06pm - Phil. time]

out of my mind

2006-06-25T20:02:00.000-07:00

june 25,'06 8:02pm

i can't believe myself. why ami i feeling this way? why am i thinking this way? no. no. nooooo!!! this can't be happening. why?? if i was crazy enough and really insane, i think i would have said yes. and that would be wrong. soooooo wrong. but i can handle it better now. so much better. maybe because i'm so far away. i don't have to be scared to bump into him and stuff. but why oh why? eventhough i'm miles away, it's still there. everything's still there. is this some kind of first love (or romance) thingy? is there such a thing like that? why does it have to be this crazy? i just don't get. part of me wants it to happen. part of me says no, i'm would to be way too stupid to go for it again and just hurt myself, again. part of me tells me to start completely anew, to start somewhere else and see where life leads the both of you. part of me simply enjoys the company and concern. oh, i'm so confused. what to do? what to do???

oh, i know what i must do. i have to do what is the right and proper thing to do. damn the feelings i have.

[currently listening to: in another lifetime/gary v]
[feeling a fever coming]
[june26, 3:02am - Phil. time]

countdown

2006-06-23T12:56:00.000-07:00

june 12,'06 10:13pm

i can't believe i'm just days away from leaving. i'm scared, to be honest. fear of the unknown, i guess. but, i'm also excited. new faces, new people, new friends. new surroundings, new places. new life, new experiences. well, it's about time for some adventure in my life. coz it's getting quite boring, as a matter of fact. but i guess, my curiousity is getting to me. of course, i'm happy coz finally something to really look forward to.

i can't believe i sort-of cried in makati earlier. so many people looking but most just ignoring. simply walking past by me. well, i don't really care if i cry in public where there is simply a lot of people. (included in the list of things i don't really care doing in public: being loud or noisy at times, laughing aloud, being really makulit and pasaway.) there's a simple reason why i don't really care. it's because i'm simply being me. if some people don't get that, they don't really know me. so if i'm with you, sad and on the verge of tears, but we're in public, please don't think about etiquette or the proper place to be crying, simply think about me and how i'm feeling that has got me crying. i'm not being selfish. i just want someone who cares. coz that's how i care. i want someone to simply be my crying shoulder. not some stupid damn ass that cares more what other people think than what i'm feeling at the moment. i don't need some insensitive immature young 'boy' to be by my side. there are certainly alot more people out there that give a damn. [uy ang segway hindi masyado bitter-bitter-an noh. hahaha!]

so going back to why i cried earlier is that i can't help but be sad too. maybe it's a good thing to not have a big despedida today because i might have ended up crying more than my tears earlier. oh i simply would miss all my friends, especially those who really close and are special to me. those who been through all the waiting. it still comes as a shock that everything is this fast all of a sudden. maybe the waiting for now is over.

[currently taking a break form all the packing]

how time flies

2006-06-22T23:12:00.000-07:00

june 22, '06 11:12pm[London time]

i can't believe it has already been one week since i left pinas. it's still unbelivable at times that i'm actually here. i can't help but miss everyone back home. everything's so new here. the weather, the people. oh you know the drill. hehe. a lot can happen in a week, ayt? just think about life-changing moments. i appreciate my friends who have sent me text messages and e-mails already. even y.m and messages sa friendster. thanks alot. touched naman ako. hehe. thanks din sa mga friends ko that wished me well before my flight. [namely pardz, kim, jerome, justin, joan, joanne, joy, tasha, carl, jara, gloann, kat, irene, pau, kei, mamich, kris, chai, mark, richmond, drea, kaloy, cass. thanks alot. i'm really touched.] but don't get me wrong, i love and treasure all my other friends.

oh, what to do? i miss my friends. it's these times i feel kinda down that i want them by my side. to make me laugh. to make me smile. to make feel better. hay.

maybe i could just sleep my blues away.

[currently watching the mtv movies awards]

changes so far

2006-06-16T23:12:00.000-07:00

june 16, '06 11:12pm

i don't want to go through high school again. i thought i was finished with that already. waaah. who knows, maybe i'll learn to commute here. mostly walking or taking a bus. in this cold weather. as of now, i imagine life to be some long vacation. or maybe this gonna be home away from home for now. i guess 'm gonna have a simple life here. hopefully we find a house that's nice and comfy. that would be in a good neigborhood. have good neighbors and stuff.

and yeah, i finished reading Rosie Dunne. i loved it! i kinda missed being in love. awwww. haaay. i was also kinda wishing i had that kind of relationship with some people. how would my life be like? i could just imagine.

[currently staring at the dark sky]

finally here

2006-06-15T23:11:00.000-07:00

june 15,06 11:11pm[London time]

oh my gosh! i'm finally in the U.K.! i can't believe it. it's cold here. brrrrrrr. we wouldn't be needing electric fans too much. unlike sa Pinas na sobrang init. hehe. we arrived so early today. at around 5:30am. i'm usually still asleep right now. so we've met up with some of my dad's staff here. they drove us to where would be staying temporarily. we're here at a service apartelle. it is like we're in a vacation house or retreat of some kind. when we first arrived, i soon fell asleep. coz of my jetlag, i was able to sleep also 6hours straight. and i felt a whole lot better. would you believe that the sun here sets at around 10pm? 10pm here is like 6pm back in the Philippines. there was not much to do here anyway. there are not much channels on the TV. there are shows like deal or no deal and big brother. quite different from those back home. other than that, it's actually boring as well. as of now, para kaming mga turista.

to my friends: just text me at my globe number. lalo na ung mga naka-globe. piso lang ang text noh. and if ever you guys have plans of calling, text me first and i'll call you nalang. mas mahal kasi ang incoming call nyo eh. take note that you guys are ahead 7 hours in the Philippines. sending you all hugs and kisses. i miss you guys so much! love you all. MUWAH!

[cuurently still can't believe i'm actually here]

Cathay Pacific Flight CX251

2006-06-14T04:27:00.000-07:00

june 14,'06 12:18am[Phil. time]

feeling a little nautious. i guess it's coz i'm on an airplane. it's like i'm always having a headache or something's wrong with my ear or maybe i'm coming down with the fever. hay.

june 14,'06 11:45pm[Phil. time]

we're on the plane right now. flight CX251, transit flight to London from Hong Kong. i'm kinda uncomfortable right now. waiting 3 hours for this flight seemed like a long time at first. but then i'm reading a book that has got me kinda hooked. [it's entitled Rosie Dunne by Cecelia Ahern. thanks to Pardz and Kei for recommending it. love the book by the way.] and there are aslo just some cute guys. really really soooo cute guys. well actually not that much really. just simply cute. ordianry cute. hay. anyway, hope we have a safe trip getting there. it's a 12-hour flight! [grabe! kumusta naman un diba? ang sakit sa puwet nun! hehe.]

gosh! i'm excited already. but i'm missing my friends so much already. all their texts with quotes, jokes or chain texts dahil unlimitext tayo mga pare! some friends know that this is something i've long been waiting for. i can't wait to begin my new life there. hope it is as great as my life has last been in the Philippines. this is a new challenge in my life and i can't wait to face it. one more thing, i'm finally getting the space i need and have long waited for. a change of surroundings would certaionly do me good.

to my friends: i miss you guys so much already. i could use one of your hugs right now or something to make me laugh or smile. badly needing it for some reason.

London, here i come! Love awaits...

[currently hearing announcements by the pilot and head stewardess]

this is really is it

2006-06-14T01:02:00.000-07:00

june 14, '06 11:00am

i just finished some final packing and stuff. my day didn't really start that good. i have my monthly thingy today, it's still quite strong. and i am also coming down with come colds. which i haven't had for the longest time. talk about timing. and you can really feel the pressure of final packing and stuff. for example, the boxes we packed actually weighed 300 kilos. talk about being overweight. hopefully our carry-on and check-in bags don't weigh more than required. coz it could get real expensive. we're not rich noh. haha.

grabe, it's really so hot right now. my sweat is kinda dripping. walang ganyan sa London! haha. it's gonna be quite cold there although they say it's actually getting warmer by the minute. so we're going there at the right time. it would be alot easier to adjust to the climate than any other time of the year.

i can't believe we're finally leaving. after so many times our flight has been postponed. [i think it has been moved six times: march26, april17, april24, may3, may14, may28, june14.] and after so many despedidas and suprises from friends. hay.

tears are coming to me right now and i feel like crying. i guess i got to stop talking about this now na. think happy thoughts! happy times! happy memories! but then now, i'll only be crying tears of joy. waaah!

[currently mixed with alot of emotions]

...now, your promise mean nothing more to me than before. you still haven't change. you have a strange attitude when it comes to me. it's got to be different with me, huh? but do know that i deserve so much more than what you're giving me. and yeah, talk about trust. so you do know that i don't like LIARS, right? though, i appreaciate your honesty. it's just that i don't really get why you did it. you wanted to get close to me. tell you something, it was actually working. but tell me, how was everything supposed to work out? if you weren't really who you were in the beginning. and yeah right, compatible huh. but it's never gonna work unless you don't change. nothing's gonna happen. i'll always end up getting hurt. like how i'm feeling right now aside from being pissed off at you.
somehow though there's something i want to tell you. i was beginning to like it. i was enjoying the company, your company. and i wanted it to be you. badly.

t'was the night before..

2006-06-13T23:34:00.000-07:00

june 13, '06 11:34pm

i can't believe today has been my last day. well technically tomorrow is my last day coz our flight is in the afternoon. i just simply can't believe it! who knew everything will all of a sudden be this fast. looking around, i see everything that i'm gonna miss. hopefully the one thing i really want to accomplish in London would be easier than anticipated. it would only be a bonus to be having fun as well.

what would life there be like? how are the people? would i find people there who are like my own friends back home? would i like it there? what if i don't? hay.

how do you say goodbye to a life that you have learned to live to the fullest? to people who have been there during all the waiting, seen you at your worst, know what you are capable of and all your limitations? there's simply no easy way. so they say everything in life is temporary. well i guess the simplest way is not to say goodbye. but to say see you later.

[currently so sad. just don't want to sleep.]

kiss them

2006-05-24T23:01:00.000-07:00

may24 11:01pm

lately, someone asked me about certain things in my life that i long have put aside. and it has really got me thinking.

what is the truth? how do i really feel?

actually the main question was 'do i still _____ him?' my answer: i don't know! [really... promise, i don't really know... hehe..]

coz sometimes, my answer is yes. maybe i do still ***** him. maybe he still matters to me. maybe i still care.

but then again, maybe not. maybe whatever feelings i have for him are just from the memories of the past. or from the what-could-have-beens. then, my answer is no.

argh! this is what i'm hating about it. it's on my mind most of the time, especially when night comes and it's time for sleep.

it's like some kind of brain teaser or riddle that has got you searching for the answer that you can't get any sleep.

waaaaaaaaaah... maybe somehow all i got to do is try to forget. but how? hmmmmm.

but hey, you know what, uhm, whatever.

i've done it before. i could it again. even if this time, the situation is different and so are the people concerned.

life goes on. it wouldn't stop, not even for just a second. and it would definitely not stop just for someone like you or me.

if someone you love hurts you, cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it. right?

come on. life's too short to be anything but happy.

wahahahahahaha!

[currently watching: a valentine's episode of laguna beach]

no one

2006-05-24T03:49:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed... that the worst way to miss someone is when they are right beside you and yet you can never have them?

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most; saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing and wishing you had?

I guess the most important things are the hardest to say.

Have you ever decided not to become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person?

Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you?

Have you ever loved someone and they had absolutely no idea whatsoever?

Or fell for your best friend in the entire world, and then sat around and watched him/her fall for someone else?

Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle?

Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have or could have had.

No one waits forever.

fishing for answers

2006-05-17T22:10:00.000-07:00

May17,'06 10:10pm

i'm back to that part in my life where there are so many questions on my mind. last time, i posted questions on my past relationship. now, i have questions on why certain things are happening in my life and what i'm really feeling for certain people around me & what to do with them. but i'm not gonna post them. 'coz some of the questions that i have, i just want to leave unanswered. atleast, for now. it's better, easier and more convenient for me. 'coz i don't know if i'm really ready to know the answers to those questions. the rest, just keep lost in my thoughts. sometimes i just stare into space like i'm day-dreaming.

oh, how i wish i could really unwind and chill and really reflect. somewhere quiet with someone i trust the most. maybe only then, i'll be able to clear my mind of questions and find some answers.

[currently feeling: totally freaked out.]
[currently watching: "more than friends" episode of laguna beach]

lost for words

2006-05-11T04:44:00.000-07:00

i don't know what to say. i may talk on and on. but when it comes to writing down my thoughts and feelings, i'm lost for words. i just want a peace of mind. no complications. no confusions. no disturbances. as in total peace of mind, body and soul. but why is it so damn hard?? it's just too frustrating. i'm happy. but i can't be totally happy.

Life's Toughest Questions Answered!

2006-05-07T09:23:00.000-07:00

May 07, 06 9:23 am

1. Can love really last a lifetime?

Absolutely - but if you chuck the fairy tale of living happily ever after. A team if scientists recently found that romantic love involves chemical changes in the brain that last 12 to 18 months. After that, you and your partner are on your own. Relationships require maintenance.

9. When is your future behind you?

When you stop chasing dreams. So don't stop!

11. Can a man and a woman ever just be friends?

For a short time perhaps. Making the friendship last requires that you find each other at least vaguely repulsive. Good luck!

14. How do you know when to end a friendship?

As soon as you get that sneaking suspicion that it never really began.

15. Why do we turn into our parents when we swore we wouldn't?

Because really, when all is said and done, we admire them.

21. Is money the root of all evil?

No. Greed is. Elvis nailed this one when he said, "Sharing money is what gives it its value."

23. Why is it so hard to say you're wrong?

Because it involves saying, "I'm sorry," which is even harder. Throughout history people have found it easier to stop speaking to one another, punch, slander, shoot and bomb rather than apologise. Tip: Next time just say, "Whoops," and see what happens.

24. When should you reveal a secret you said you wouldn't?

It's a matter of damage control. Is the person who asked you to keep the secret in danger of hurting himself or others? If so, intervene. Otherwise, mum's the word.

[These are just few of the 'Life's Toughest Questions Answered!' which can be found in the Reader's Digest, May 2006 Issue.]

[currently listening to: narda/kamikazee]

looking ahead

2006-04-07T01:06:00.000-07:00

april 07, 06 7:03pm

lately, i've been quiet with my thoughts. i can't really share what's on my mind with others. coz if i can't understand what's going on, how can everyone else? it's like this. i'm on a small boat trying to go with the flow wherever the rivers may take me. all is calm and quiet when all of a sudden, there's this big black sae monster who's disturbing the calmness of the river. and it takes sometime until the rivers are calm and quiet. hay.

thinking about certain stuff is such a waste of my time. coz i mean, what's the use? no matter how long i think about it, it's doesn't change anything. coz somehow, i want to matter to anyone. i want to needed. i want to be of use and of some importance. i don't want to be just some flower centerpiece in someone's life. i'm more than that.

and what's the use of dwelling in the past? to still be thinking about it? of, course, you wouldn't be able to be who you are now if it weren't for some things that happened in the past. but that doesn't mean you have to commemorate every single thing and to always keep it in mind.

most of the time, you just got to let go. but sometimes you just have to forget.

[currently listening to: here without you/3doorsdown]
[currently trying: to have a peace of mind]

goodbyes

2006-02-27T00:44:00.000-08:00

feb27, 06 10:01pm

saying goodbye is never easy. so is moving on and letting go. i can't believe i'm just weeks away from leaving. *sigh* there are still some things i have to think about after my despedida. it's sad that not everyone got to come, especially those i actually wanted to be there. [note: i miss you guys already!] and to be honest, there are some things that happened on that night that i want to forget. but nothing's really easy. i can't force myself to be something for someone when i know i'm only pushing myself to be one. so what can one get from me as a friend? hmmm. to those reading this, i am actually choosing my words wisely right now. i'm trying to say/tell things without revealing too much. this time, it's far too complicated, confusing, etc to let it all out.

am i running away? sometimes i ask myself this question. i don't know. it may seem wierd for me (or anyone who really knows me) to think i'm running away. from what? or from who? and why? maybe i choose to run away from things that i don't to face anymore. but what kind? then there's this other question, is everything i'm leaving behind settled? or do i have any unfinished businesses yet to settle? all i can say is i don't know. and i hope not.

oh, there's simply so many questions on my mind. trust me, there are alot more questions that are yet to be answered. i'm not talking about life's biggest questions or mysteries. these are questions simply about the past and the present things that are happening around me. there are even some things i don't know if worth believing. there are also some things i'm soooo unsure of. and it's got me thinking. alot. i try to talk it out with my friends. but it's still there. i can't quite get it off of my mind. i'm sorry if you can't quite understand whatever i may be saying. who says i do? haha. it's just a good thing that i can still laugh and smile. and i'm not being "plastik" when people see me smile. that's real. coz whatever may be bothering me doesn't stop me from being happy.

it's glad to know that some people treat me as someone special in their lives. and i'm glad to be a part of their lives too. but there are also several people who have once become special in my life. most of them are still special to me. the rest, well, i can't be so sure. my friends know that special relationships are really important to me (really). well, it isn't easy to go back to things the way they were before. changes are hard to get used to in a relationship between two people (may it be love or just friends). there are even times when the two people may not agree on how they want their relationship to be. sometimes even special relationships could be ruined for whatever reason. and then the two just have to start from scratch if they want their newfound relationship to work, whatever they may want it to be: just like before or something different.

i am one of those many people who choose to really start from scratch, from zero, from nothing. it's the easiest way or the most convenient way for me. it's gonna be difficult if you two choose to start from what has been or what used to be. it's complicated and confusing. i am actually trying to convince myself to just leave everything to fate. you know, whatever. and i would take advantage of this opportunity that by my departure, things would remain quiet until it's time to face everything again. i don't exactly know what's the best solution for everything but i'll just go with the flow for now. i'll see where the rivers take me.

in life, you should't expect much but somehow in some way you do get hurt. you just don't show it. coz you should learn to be strong. my friends believe that i can survive whatever life gives me. so i know whatever phase i'm going through right now, even what's bothering me, that in time, everytime will be fine and everything would be where it's supposed to be.

in the end, i know i'll be coming back to the Philippines. my friends are here. he is here. [note: he is not part of my past. he is present. hihihi.] and coz here, i'm home. no stir.

[currently listening to: huwag mo nang itanong/mymp]
[currently feeling: confused. still very confused.]

half empty, half full

2006-01-23T01:15:00.000-08:00

january 23, 06 10:27pm

how am i suppose to look at my life?

should i be happy? few people would want to be in my position. being able to study abroad and somehow be able to get what i want (not everything though).

or should i be sad? to have be the one to leave friends and loved ones behind. to miss out on alot of events and hang out with friends. and so on and so forth.

for me, i'm ok with it. just ok. yes, i'm ready to leave the Philippines and move to London for a few years mainly coz of my dad's job. i have my reasons why i want to leave, to be able to start anew. total change of surrondings, surroundings that are so full of memories (mostly painful). and it would do good for my education too. especially for the future. in 5 years time, we all would be working. then i could really be independent.

but it's so hard to leave when you have so much to leave behind. all my friends, especially those really close and special to me (they know who they are), is the main reason i don't want to leave. everything would be different. if i had any problems, my friends are just a text or a call away. but that wouldn't be possible if i were far away. of course, i would have friends there too. but i love my friends now and i ain't looking for anything more. or if we were to hang-out, it would be easy. yeah, if i was here. but no, i can't text them and tell them to meet up in Paris or Italy. well, definitely it's gonna be hard. but i think i can handle it.

love life? hmmm. i don't want to dwell on that subject too much. all i'm gonna say is that i'm happy right now. i really am. whatever the situation is. if there is one thing i've learned from my past relationship is how painful love really is. but that shouldn't (and it definitely wouldn't) stop me from loving again. and it's a wonderful feeling. it's really beautiful. =)

so how do i view my life right now? well it doesn't really matter. coz even if life sucks. even if reality hits me hard. i'm ok with it. and with that i'm happy. i've got my restback anyway. and whatever happens in the future, i would be to handle it. i'll just keep on smiling and singing... =)

"what about love?
what about feeling?
what about all the things
that make life worth living?
what about faith?
what about trust?
and baby, tell me,
what about us?"

[currently listening to: what about us?/lemar]

feel good!

2006-01-12T15:35:00.000-08:00

january 12,06 thursday 5:46pm

i've never felt better.. everything is now in the past.. and i'm looking a brand new start.. when i leave, everything would be different.. and that's good.. just realized that whatever happened in the past was mostly my decision.. it's funny when i think about it now.. i smile coz i realized i said no.. i said NO.. back then.. my friend once told to choose the cards i would handle.. and he was right.. i should have no regrets coz my fate was my decision.. and i do not have regrets right now.. i may just be a little scared to face what is in store of my future abroad.. but then i think i'm strong enough to handle.. my time-out last year has got me thinking what i would want in my future.. where, what, why.. you know, that kind of stuff.. and it's not bad at all to prepare for what's in store in the future.. but you can never be too prepared or too ready.. coz i'll definitely be surprised.. but i think i'm okay with it..

[currently listening to: your song/parokya ni edgar]
[currently feeling: good.]

new year

2006-01-05T15:34:00.000-08:00

january 05,06 thursday 7:38pm

my first real entry for 2006! looking back on 2005, it has its ups and downs.. let's go with the downs first.. 1st on the list definitely would be the break-up.. i'm not gonna elaborate anymore about that.. what else? oh just minor problems.. no biggie.. high school graduation? uhm it's kinda a happy but sad moment.. haaay.. so the ups.. definitely lalans!! enough said.. i don't need to name names.. they know who they are.. having them has made up for the void i had.. like me being close to some people who i really love in my life.. hehe.. but majority of last year was just me as a bum.. life becoming a routine.. it helped me grow.. alot.. in many different ways.. i am like so ready to go back to school and everything..

[currently listening to: don't love you no more/craig david]

holidays

2006-01-02T18:32:00.000-08:00

january 02, 2006 thursday 6:53pm

holidays are now over.. well almost.. of course there's still the ephiphany and feast of the 3 kings.. but it's already 2006! how was the holidays for me?? well definitely better than last year.. happy and excited.. here's a few reasons why..

dec16-24 (simbang-gabi) - waking at 4am to prepare for the dawn mass, which is at 4:30am, is too early for me.. yet i had the energy to do it.. and actually complete it.. this was my first time.. and it was fun.. most days it would be kinda windy but feel really cold.. you get to see the same people everyday.. and that's good.. [note: i wonder why.... ;-)] they say if you get to complete the 9 dawn masses, somehow what you wish for will come true.. hope so.. what i wish for?? hmmm.. let's just wait to see if it comes true..

dec19, monday (my dad's birthday) - every year we always have a celebration.. as in PARTEEE... at our house.. all of his friends would be there.. officemates and buddies.. of course someone would always bring lechon [note: this year it was lechon baka.. big...] and shawarma.. the garage would be full, garden area.. even the living room to the dining room til the back of our house.. our relatives (mom's side) were there to help us.. i even pitched in to help.. i swear, afterwards my feet hurt.. my dad's guests started to arrive around 6pm and the whole thing lasted til 2:30 the next day.. i couldn't get to sleep that fast coz i drank white wine.. which kept my eyes open for some time.. there were also 2 groups of carolers who arrived at almost the same time.. one was singing in the house, the other outside.. cool.. hehe.. and the food, delicious.. wish i could have birthday parties like that..

dec22, thursday - met up with friends and spent most of the day hanging out and talking.. from the foodcourt to seattle's and back.. and of course, picture picture.. there were also some planning.. for kris' debut.. when kris' parents came, they treated us at italiani's.. and whew, were we full.. at italiani's, they had this line written on their wall.. 'you'll never leave hungry'.. whoa did they literally mean it.. hehe..

dec24, saturday (xmas eve) - i actually got to do some christmas shopping for myself.. hehehehe! back at home, got to drink some red wine and enjoying it with family.. which was good.. exchanged gifts and laughter, hugs, kisses.. and alot of singing!!

dec25, sunday (xmas day!) - simple day.. more singing, of course.. had mass at makati at 3:30pm.. then ate at Max's since it was closest.. hehe.. came back home.. not gonna tell all that happened.. basta..

dec27, tuesday - pisay reunion.. met up with my former 4th yr classmates.. it wasn't a day actually.. we did alot of waiting.. when i arrived, i was only the 6th person to arrive.. i was already late yet we were so few.. our pictures turned to be a blur so we just had a refund.. we watched exodus which turned out not worth it.. yeah it had nice special effects.. but the story, so predictable.. after watching, we did alot of hanging out.. tambay at timezone, foodcourt.. last stop, starbucks.. pisay has now a yosi group.. not me, i don't smoke.. kinda don't like it.. though it was better to just have stayed home, there was something that made it worthwhile.. hehe.. basta..

dec29, thursday - met up with joy and drea.. today was also the better of our friend, tasha.. she was at baywalk with family and boyfriend.. hay, love.. hehe.. did the usual.. tambay.. window shopping and actual shopping.. boy-hunting.. picture-picture at starbucks.. hang-out.. there wasn't a good movie to watch.. so we didn't watch a movie.. hay....

dec31, saturday (new year's eve) - day for fireworks!! simple day.. grocery at south.. watching fireworks which started so early in the evening.. it was all so beautiful.. drank champagne.. it was just so quiet.. our next-door neighbors were out of town.. or so i think.. coz lights were off.. kinda quiet.. but we were of course partying.. hehe..

jan1, sunday (new year!) - didn't start that good.. coz my mom kinda got mad somehow.. then our relatives (dad's side) arrived.. of course, there was singing.. eating.. ihaw.. drinking.. more singing.. but bottomline, it was fun.. hehe....

i hope 2006 would be a better year than 2005..

[currently listening to: with a smile/southborder]

that's my life

2005-12-04T21:24:00.000-08:00

december 04, 2005 sunday 9:01pm

why is my life so different from others.. if only everyone knows what my life really is like.. i'm very open to my friends.. i can tell them anything.. but there are still so many things they don't know.. so many secrets.. so many things that even i don't understand.. i just don't get it.. i only want my life to be ordinary.. to be normal.. but God must have other plans.. oh why me.. there are just so many things to consider.. to think about.. so if you would like to look at the real picture of my life.. i'll bet you it's far from ordinary..

yeah, i should know that i am blessed.. good education.. complete and happy family.. nice things.. lovelife.. so some people may want to be in my shoes.. but i suggest that they don't want it.. oh peh-leez.. if you only really knew what it feels like..

okay, i guess i'm just thinking too much.. so i'll just live my life.. this life God has given me.. go with the flow.. what will happen will happen.. que sera sera.. waaaaaaaaaaahh....

someone once said.. "dance like nobody's watching and love like it's never hurt before.."

[feeling: sad]
[currently listening to: grow old with you/adam sandler]

how hard can it be??

2005-12-01T17:21:00.000-08:00

december 01, 2005 thursday 5:46pm

looking back on events that happened just recently, i've realized there is one thing that has not yet happened.. have you ever been in a situation where you were hurt badly by a person close to you? then you don't talk to each other for a month or so.. and when you do get to talk, it's as if that person didn't hurt you.. the person may admit he(she) did you wrong.. but you never will hear the words you want to hear.. after talking, you guys are suddenly okay.. picking up where you too left off.. as if nothing bad really happened..

forgive and forget.. easier said than done though.. actually its more of forgive but do not forget.. something like that.. hey.. it's not really easy to forget if you were hurt badly..

i may have forgiven the person already without any proper apology.. but i still want to hear those words.. what i went through wasn't easy.. so let's say that person who may have hurt you felt bad with what happened.. but between the two of us.. i was the one hurt more.. [note: don't know who i'm talking about? never you mind.. hehe..]

so how hard is it exactly to say the words.. i say the words when i know i was wrong.. and i mean it whole-heartedly..

though i still want to hear it.. i'm not expecting it anymore..

[feeling: hmmmm..]
[currently listening to: beautiful disaster/kelly clarkson]

life's like that

2005-11-28T23:36:00.000-08:00

november 28, 2006

i envy my sister.. she's going back to school tomorrow.. how i wish i had school too.. so that i could see my new friends.. eventually see cute guys and my crushes.. hehe.. and actually fill my time with studies.. i really miss studying with books and stuff.. whenever i tell my close friends this, they would tease me by saying that i only really miss math and numbers.. partly true.. coz atleast it lets me have some other things to think about.. waaaaaaaaaaaah.........

[feeling: envious]
[currently listening to: beauty and madness by jimmy bondoc]

sigh

2005-11-27T20:34:00.000-08:00

november 27, 2006

what's on my mind right now? to be totally honest.. there are alot of things on my mind.. yesterday and today.. whew.. i still don't understand why fate has make things this way.. things has certainly changed.. others don't go through this.. but yeah.. i shouldn't be comparing my situation to others.. but why.. sometimes i just don't get it.. waaaaaaaaaaah..... i should have some kind of peace of mind.. everything's fine.. eventhough the uncertainty of tomorrow is still there.. everything would turn out okay.. right? *sigh*

there's something i wanna share.. everytime i pray, there's something i pray for.. i'm not gonna say what i pray for.. but somehow something different happened.. wierd but it did happen.. i don't know.. i just don't get it.. i sound so stupid right now.. do i? help, anyone? please.. hahahaha.... argh.... waaaaaaaaaaaah.....

it's times like this when life sucks.. i mean life really sucks.. but you see, i'm okay with it.. and i'm actually loving it.. hehehe..

[feeling: okay?]
[currently listening to: kelly clarkson & bamboo]

my birthday

2005-11-21T22:01:00.000-08:00

i love my birthday this year.. my birthday this year is my best birthday yet. . why, you ask? i'll tell you why..

nov12, saturday - i met up with my friends and got to celebrate my birthday in advance.. it was actually my first to be celebrating my birthday with them.. and it was hot.. hahahahahahaha.. but we were celebrating two birthdays, mine and cass's.. [note: her birthday is on nov11... belated!! love yah sis... muwah! ;p] of course, i got to see my J.. [note: awwwww... he really looks so cute... kilig!!!!!!!!!] what did we do? the usual stuff.. timezone, chattin' at the foodcourt, picture-picture, eating, movie.. ultimate bonding.. as always..

nov16, wednesday - my birthday!!! one great morning.. one beautiful day.. thanks to those who greeted me that day (besides my family, of course):

{cass.. sis love yah!}{joanne..beh love yah!}{kuya edmon}{mary grace}{irene}{colleen}{nikko..miss yah!}{jichael}{mark}{kaloy}{keisha}{mama mich}{chai}{pardz..hug!!}{carl}{gina}{joyce}{drea}{jara}{tasha}{jopee..love yah!}{pau..save the best for last??}{glo ann..besh love yah!}{herald..takecare of my besh always ha!}{mixie..hug!}{sir alvin}{ms sheryl}{harold}{my J..love u much!}

we had mass at around 1215.. had lunch at kenny's.. then dropped by town to meet up with some of my friends (and my J..muwah!).. afterwards i headed home.. we then had dinner outside again.. we ate at friday's.. it was kinda wierd when they found out it was my birthday.. coz they sang me a birthday song.. and i got free ice cream with a candle.. made a wish and blew out the candle! [note: what's my wish? hmmmm.... secret!!] i finally called it a day.. a long one.. but really really fun.. i'm so happy..

but something's bothering me.. my dad's papers for assigment abroad have been finally approved.. after waiting for it almost 1 year now.. why it's bothering me? i'll be leaving for London early January.. this time it's for real.. kinda sad coz i don't wanna go.. but i have my reasons too for leaving.. it's just i'll miss my friends.. badly.. and my J, of course.. haaay...*sigh*

--> my horoscope for today: You have the power to magnetize what you want to you. (Be carefeul what you wish for.) You have marvelous organizational and planning skills. (You're a perfectionist.) You're a thoughtful, considerate person. You educate yourself, and because you have common sense, others often seek your advice. Increased solitude this year helps you learn something new and important.

[note: oh i just love my horoscope!! it's so true... except for the perfectionist part... i'm not sure... hehe...]

nov19, saturday - i met up with another bunch of friends.. namely joy, tasha, jara and drea.. it's been quite a while since i've been with them.. i've missed them so.. we took a picture at pic city.. but we weren't complete then.. it's so sad.. because drea had her pep training.. and it didn't finish until around 4.. what we do? picture, timezone (playing foozball), eating, chillin', talking, window shopping.. i even got to meet up with another friend, irene.. even if it was just for a while.. of course, we got to talk about stuff.. hehe.. it's been a while since i've been with my friends.. haaay.. *sigh*

'til christmas..

[feeling: happy!]
[song in mind: for all my life]

horoscope for today

2005-11-17T00:18:00.000-08:00

SCORPIO: You're unclear as to what the correct next action is, mostly your mind is buzzing a million miles a minute. You'll walk into a room, and in the next moment, forget why. A long shower or a short walk is a cure-all.

[note: it is quite true.. know why? someone is bothering me.. he's irritating.. he's confusing.. he's so *ARGH*!!!!!! next topic.. don't wanna talk about it.. *hmph*]

a routine life

2005-11-11T17:58:00.000-08:00

have you ever had the feeling that life is becoming nothing but a routine? doing the same things everyday.. seeing the same people everyday.. and be actually bored.. as in, really really bored.. that's how i feel my life is right now.. nothing but a routine.. there's not much to do anyway.. it's kinda sad.. it gets me to think more often.. but do you know what i find the wierdest part of everything.. i'm actually happy with it.. yeah, there are times i still feel down, sad and hurt.. but then so what?? life, as a routine, feels so safe.. so sure.. coz the same thing's just gonna happen everyday.. duh.. but as a Scorpion, i find it kinda boring.. actually really boring.. i want surprises.. i want adventure.. i want difference.. i want to experience new things.. and just be stuck at home.. as if i got a choice.. ha. i kinda laughing right now.. coz i just feel so wierd.. that life sucks! but i'm happy with it.. it's like i'm happy that life sucks and i'm even okay with it.. do i have regrets why my life's like this? nah.. first of all, this wasn't my choice.. and after all, there's a reason for all of this.. i just got to wait to find out what it is.. i hope i'd find out soon..

[feeling: wierd. blank.]
[listening to: mymp]

Letting Go

2005-11-05T07:03:00.000-08:00

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring, it means i can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization that I don't control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.

long weekend..

2005-11-04T02:55:00.000-08:00

here i am to tell you guys about the fun i had this last weekend..

last friday, we [note: we as in family] were packed and ready to go to tagaytay highlands just for the night. it started by having my J to see me off. [note: haaaaay.... he just looks so cute.. uuuuuuuuuuuyyy... kilig!!!] talk about having an inspiration and a smile on my face for the rest of the trip.. well.. upon reaching tagaytay, we took some rest before going bowling.. imagine, i'm not really good at bowling.. but i was able to score a triple strike (XXX!).. [note: hahaha! saya!!] after that, we had dinner and then played billiards.. we also played table tennis.. we went on a sports-trip.. haha! it was ultimate bonding with my family.. and i enjoyed and had so much fun..and of course, there was another thing i enjoyed doing at tagaytay.. boy-hunting! [note: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!] there were definitely alot of cuties.. haaay.. and we always bumped into these group of guys.. i think they were chinese or korean.. not really sure.. hehe.. then before heading home, we passed by town.. and there i had an encounter with someone who has a connection with my past.. so moving on.. moving on.. hehe..

anyway, it was a good weekend.. i had fun.. something i needed.. haha!

[feeling: tired but happy.]

horoscope

2005-11-03T02:52:00.000-08:00

October Horoscope
SCORPIO: Re-Joys! Gumaganda ka yata. At ang buhok mo, kinamay lang umayos na. Sabi nga ni Ricky Reyes sa commercial..."para kang nagpa-ispwaaah." Try to take care of whatever well of happiness you have right now. And whatever pile of manure you have, throw it away. Stress is nothing but extra age lines added to your forehead.

[note: i love my horoscope last month.. even i believe it.. i guess it's just true.. i found peace and love.. and i'm finally happy..]

September Horoscope
SCORPIO: Better make sure you have a cellphone that works. You'll be filling up your phonebook with new names and numbers when you meet new groups of people (due to the full moon) this month. If you are considering of joining a new org or club, go right ahead.

August Horoscope
SCORPIO: Extra Challenge. You're facing a big challenge right now. Your patience, faith and self-control will be put to test. Be strong and determined because you will be challenged a lot. I-prove mo sa challenge na yan na hindi ka nya basta-basta maaano. Patunayan mo na above all else, may conviction ka at hindi basta-basta magpapa-talo. At kahit isa siyang challenge na kinakatakutan ng lahat, isa ka namang scorpion na kinakagat lahat.

[note: hmm.. sound familiar.. it's true.. and really a sad thing is happening in my life right now.. *sigh*]

surveys

2005-11-02T02:40:00.000-08:00

What color is your aura?
Yellow: CURIOSITY, FREEDOM, WISDOM
Yellow clears your mind of negativities and engulfs you in cheerful thoughts. It unties you from reservations and fears, giving you the freedom to understabd things. It invigorates your senses and connects you to your mental self, pushing you to be creative in your pursuit of things that will make you whole and appreciate the everyday occurrences in your life.
Personality Traits: happy-go-lucky, optimistic, has nearly boundless energy, good-humored, the life of the party

The Real Deal
Come-As-Chameleon Type
Like the chameleon, your colors change depending on your surroundings--in short, you know how and when to adapt. In a way, your school and home life plus friendships are almost stress-free due to the cool way you deal with situations and people. You have a handle on your feelings, especially if the situation turns for the worse. When you adjust, it's not about faking it, since you only know these certain truths and you practice it: 1) It pays to be polite, 2) Don't judge, 3) Be yourself.

let me sleep

2005-11-01T16:51:00.000-08:00

have you ever been in a situation where life is so wonderful? as if everything was like a dream? and then we would say things like 'pinch me if this a dream' or 'i don't want to wake up if this is just a dream'.. have you ever been in a situation that made you say or just think stuff like that?

some people say what happens in our dreams are exactly the opposite of what would happen in real life. yet i choose to compare real life and love to a dream. especially when it comes to love. there maybe happy endings/happy dreams or bad endings (should we call that a nightmare?).
falling in love is like being in a wonderful dream. but what's difficult is how the dream would end? if it is a happy ending, then there's nothing much to be said. but there is a bad ending, then things are different.

like me, i just woke up from a wonderful dream gone bad. if it weren't for my friends who woke me up, i would have died. not literaly. well, you know some people died of 'bangungot'. but for someone who just ended a relationship badly would feel that way. and my exboyfriend somehow just woke up from the dream as well but alot earlier than i did. and he just continued on with his life. as simple as that. just wish it was that simple for me too. and so i woke up too. thanks to my friends. so i continued on with my life. with reality. got hurt badly. now so what?

well yeah, that dream didn't end well. but it doesn't mean i don't want to dream anymore. to tell you the truth, i am actually excited. whatever life may bring me. may it be something real or just another dream, it brings me something else. someone definitely better than the one that came before him. so may you guys have the sweetest of dreams. as for me, i'm still enjoying my life right now. i'll just wait for the time to come when i would have a lovely sleep and get to really dream again.

[feeling: sleepy *yawn*]
[song in mind: lullaby]

closure?

2005-10-22T17:29:00.000-07:00

yesterday i went with my friends and got to hang out and spend time with them. of course, there was the time to talk about my personal life concerning my past. i know i'm not supposed to still be talking about it. but i just can't help it. he can't let me go. why?

he has a new life and everything. i have my own life as well. why can't he just return my book and we both will move with our different lives? i just don't get it. there are still alot of things i don't understand. a lot of questions i want to ask. but i will never get the answers. not that i don't want to know what they are but there just is no way for me to find out about it.

maybe i still do have feelings for him. but that doesn't mean i want to get back with him or anything. all i want is for me to live my life without having to think of how to get my book back from him. that book is the only thing that's connecting me to him. aside from our common friends. and our past.

one more thing, why does he make a big deal out of everything? uptil now. no offense to him. but he isn't exactly the person who does what he says. he does the opposite. hay.

all i can do now is want until he returns my book. when? i can never say for sure.

closure? maybe he thinks being 'friends' is already his idea of closure. my idea of proper closure is when he returns my book. and we both move with our lives. coz there's nothing more to talk about. it is all over anyway. we are over.

[song in mind: closure]
[feeling: frustrated?]

there are issues

2005-10-15T17:24:00.000-07:00

this past week has been a hard time for me. i got sick. and i think i still am kinda sick. uptil now. i've had a hard time sleeping coz of my colds. then there's this other matter concerning the debut of my friend. which i totally missed. thanks to my mom.

don't get me wrong. i love my mom. very much. and understand fully what she has been through in her life. but then it's kinda sad that i don't get to enjoy my life because of her. i know she's only watching out for me. i understand that. and even appreciate it. but then i'm a kid anymore. i'm old enough to take whatever consequences there is for my actions. yet still young enough to explore, enjoy and have fun with my life. i deserve it too after all.

i don't understand why she treats me as if i don't know how to make the right decisions. and why she makes it seem that my friends would make me do so crazy wild idea that would get me into big big trouble. oh come on mom! i think i'm smart enough to choose good people to be my friends. and good people they really are. not only good, but great, wonderful and simply the best for me. i can't be any happier.

i know and understand that parents somehow have a say in our lives. but we still need a little of our own space. hay.

[feeling: bad. sick. and down.]

spoke too soon

2005-10-08T16:53:00.000-07:00

can't believe i spoke too soon. the story's like this..

just last thursday (oct 6), i wrote that i didn't want to see him any time soon. i just didn't want to. but then, a few minutes after saying that, i saw him. i actually saw him.

it's not really a big deal. it's just unexpected. it kinda darkened my day. [so to speak. haha.]

so i just shrugged it off. and decided to forget about it.

atleast that's what i'm supposed to do. ya?

[feeling: surprised by what happened.]

it's about time.

2005-10-02T16:27:00.000-07:00

it's already october. duh. i know it's about time to have new memories. lately i've been haunted by bad memories of my past. and i don't like it. i hate it.

so here's what i'm gonna do.

i'm gonna start everything anew. i'm gonna have to change a few things. things that have connections to the past. my history.

i'm closing the door to my dark past. if only i get my book back. [note: oh shit! when is that gonna be?!]

anyway, i just want to say it officially.

haay.

[feeling: ...]

i just don't get it.

2005-09-18T18:24:00.000-07:00

he's such a liar! i don't know why. and he always lies to me. me?! of all people he chose me to be the one he would lie to. one thing to say to him: WRONG CHOICE DUDE! 'coz i always would find out about his lies. just the other day, he lied to me. how am i supposed to believe him or even trust him at all if he continues to lie to me??? oh when will he ever stop?

i just don't understand. he's the one who's telling me to be honest and open to him. yet he's the one who's not honest or open. i don't know why i care or bother so much. it's just irritating. so annoying.

he's such a big fat LIAR. i want to shout at him, hit him or something just to get this all out. what does he think? that i'm dumb or something. ha? i'm not stupid like him. no way.

is this what he calls ' friends' or 'friendships'?? think again.

there's one thing i want to say to him. 'look. you're the reason i want to leave so badly that i may one day forget you and all the memories of us. hopefully when i come back, we can be friends. real friends. and hopefully you have outgrown your attitude towards me and all you lies. i'll be praying for that miracle.'

lost for words

2005-09-03T16:49:00.000-07:00

like what i said.. a lot can happen in a day.. what more a week.. this past week can quite fast.. it was quite a blur.. put my mind into a whirl.. put my heart in the biggest confusion i have ever encountered..

so here goes..

----> i just realized i didn't have any entries here for june.. made me wonder why.. then i realized i was happy that month.. that made me realize i didn't write when i was happy.. wierd.. i guess i just could write more when i am sad or in pain.. i'll try to write even when i'm happy.. that would be a good change..

---->> how exactly do you let go of someone you really love? how can stop yourself from cryng because of the pain you feel inside? how do you say goodbye to a person who has changed your life? do you kiss? hug? shake hands? or simply wave goodbye? how exactly do you move on?

yesterday there was this concert at my former school and i spent the concert most of my time with my barkada and a few close friends.. i was enjoying the concert until southborder started singing 'love of my life' and 'wherever you are'.. then and there, tears began to fall.. [note: dramatic.. i know.. couldn't help it..] but hey.. i wasn't crying because i could relate to the song.. or because it reminded me of someone.. i was crying of something i realized before them singing the songs.. i was crying for reasons i could not really put here.. [bottomline: it's because of someone..] so i hugged my bestfriend while they were playing the songs.. and i was crying while whispering why.. he just comforted me until i stopped from crying.. he and my friends there.. they were making me laugh.. making me smile.. i eventualy stopped.. and then southborder sang 'rainbow' and my mood changed.. i was back to partying the night away..

at home i just couldn't sleep right away.. my legs and feet hurt.. so did my heart.. i was thinkng about what to do.. do i fight for it? do i run away from it? or do i simply let go? i have decided on what to do.. i'm not going to be saying what it is right now.. but in time..

for now, i'm just learnng how to say goodbye..

[song in mind: i love you goodbye]
[feeling: free]