LoveGIRL.
my sentiments: longing for a shoulder to cry on.. longing for someone..anyone?

december 26, 2006

NOTE: the article you're about to read has not really been thought through because everything just came out straight from my head with the tears causing me to write drama. it's best if you do not read it, it'll save you from so much sadness. STOP now please. but if you do decide to read on, i ask for only one thing. do not judge me solely based on this entry. there's a whole lot more to me than just this one-time feeling. please do not judge, just try to understand. thank you.

i tried to keep it all inside. i tried to hide it thinking this is nothing. that what i'm feeling is something that will just pass. oh was i wrong. i couldn't keep it in. i just had to let it out. so of course, i did burst into tears. i was crying non-stop for quite some time like a faucet, in my very own bathroom because it is the only place in our house i can be alone. alone to my thoughts and my tears. aside from crying, i decided to do what seems to be my outlet for all my pain, hurt and sadness. you can find my happiness in pictures. all the smiles, laughters and good times. i have decided too that i would only write this entry here and not in my multiply, myspace or friendster. coz i'm not sure if anyone's reading this. and of course, i don't want people who do not know me personally cast me as 'mababaw' or too sensitive, making a big deal of out nothing. i am merely writing all that has made me cry my heart out.

i am lonely. i want a shoulder to cry on. i need someone, anyone to listen to me. i know i am not alone. HE is listening. HE is there, here with me. and i'm sure HE knows how hard everything is for me. i should be grateful and i am. i can get anything i want, i get the chance to have a wonderful education, i know i have people waiting for me to return home. so why am i sad? why am i feeling so lonely, crying and writing all this down?

"kung gusto, maraming paraan"

such a cliche-ic thing to say. but for me this is true. i would do anything and everything for someone i love, for a friend, for family, even for him. is it a bad thing for me to want people to show that i mean something to them? is it such a bad thing to, once in a while, want someone to go out of their way despite their busy schedules just to make me smile and remind be that i am deeply missed most because of the distance apart? i am not bad person at all, right? i'm friendly, thoughful and caring. i'm also understanding and a good person. argh! is it a bad thing to want people to show me (rather remind me) that i am special to them, the way i show it to them? yeha i know, it's better to give than receive. and that it's the thought that counts. but what if thoughts weren't enough and that they were just in people's heads.

is it too much to ask if someone, just one person, to send me a card or a simple postcard as a reminder that i am not forgetten? i want someone, atleast one, to be able to stop whatever they maybe doing and think of me, even for just a minute. to wonder if i'm alright, if i'm happy or if anyone's taking care of me. sometimes i think what if i don't do anything to keeping touch with my friends, what will they do? will they try and and reach me? will they try to find me? or would it be that i may have just disappeared and no one will ever notice? i am jealous of those people in the same situation as me, far from friends and loved ones in a country that's new to them, and yet happy because they are reminded everyday that they are missed and their absence has made such a big differnce.

i'm not angry at my friends nor do i hold any grudges. maybe a little disappointed. but i understand. everyone has things that keep them busy. and certain things cost money. so i can't blame them for not trying. i'm just glad that everytime i reach out for them, they still reach for me as well. i hope they never get tired of holding on.


i think i now know what really it is i want. i know that there are people waiting for my return. and i know this, for a fact. i guess, all i want is for people to remind me that i am missed. that i am needed. a reminder for me that i am loved and never will i be alone. that despite the distance, they will always be there for me. another thing is that i am scared. i am sometimes actually scared to go home. i'm scared that things would be different. i don't want to go home just to find out that i have nothing in common with my friends anymore or there are certain gaps in our relationship. i hate to be such a pessimist. but sometimes things like this happen, although i'm wishing it doesn't happen to me and my friends.

so everything comes down to this.
1) i want to be reminded that i am missed, loved but most of all, not forgetten by friends and loved ones.
2) i am scared. scared that things would turn out for the worst. and that the reason for leaving was to lose everything that mattered to me. oh i hope not. (naku wag naman po sana!)
3)and lastly, i do hope there is atleast one person reading this now, please don't judge me as someone too sensitive. think of me as someone going through a difficult and new stage in her life right now and is in badly need of a squeeze, a hug in a new world.

like my friend said, i know this might sound trivial to whoever might read this but believe me when i say that it isn't to me. we all have our own different problems. for others, it may seem shallow but for that person, mabigat na yun. for now that's it, we'll see how this turns out.


Tuesday, December 26, 2006 | 5:48 AM | 0 comments ;
sprinklinq love Y


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